God, this household is so suffocating.
She's so ******* suffocating.
I love my Mum so much; she is my anchor and my world.
But god, the world is too much for me.
I just feel so lost in space.
She just wants what's best for me, as any typical mother does.
But by god, she is suffocating.
I love her so much, but each time I try to understand her, get closer to her, I ******* burn myself each time.
I almost never recover sometimes.
I could go for months not seeing her and still feel ****** for not calling, texting or visiting her, but I don't because I almost never want to.
I  never tell her all things I should tell her but I don't because she can never just sit and listen, she has to give her much advised wisdom and knowledge on what I should do most efficiently.
I don't want to do anything efficiently; I just want to breathe.
Live my life moment by moment, but she worries if I crash and burn myself.
So ******* what.
Let me.
I can't make any mistakes when I should.
She'd say,
"of course, you should make mistakes; it's what makes you grow into a more developed person".
So ******* let me do so then.
"Do you have a backup plan? What are you doing after that? What is going to happen after this? Where would you go? Why are you so all over the place?"
Because I'm still learning how to find my footing, and if you'd let me, I'd get there.
"But you're not there now. It's been a while; what have you been doing instead? You've wasted all that time and money for what? You should get a job. When are you going to learn to drive? Where are you going to get this money?"
Shut the **** up. Just stop it. I'll come to you when I need your help.
In the meantime, just try to support me from a distance, as I have loved you.
Your repetition is grating my ears, and you hate to repeat yourself, but you still do it and will do it again and again.
This vicious cycle we're both in will never stop unless one of us pulls out.
And I'll do that first.
To stop hurting both of us.
We don't rub each other the wrong way.
We don't understand each other the right way.
I'd be useless without your lead, but please, for the love of god, let me walk my own way.
I'm still young.
"When I was your age"
You had all the freedom, will and determination to build your own life.
Let me do the same.
I love you, Mum.
So terribly much.
But it hurts both of us if you view me as yourself.
I can't possibly picture myself with your own life, and I don't want to.
I know you know that, too.
I am me.
And you are you.
I genuinely wonder, Mum, how do you view me?
What am I to you?
I know what you are to me.
You're my mum, my guidance, my world.
And I'm so sorry if I come off as ungrateful, ignorant, arrogant or naïve.
However, I'm still learning to be your child and to be happy.
I'm still learning.