i struggle to find some alternative to her snoring and her moaning and her talking about magic numbers associated with keeping or reaching a perfect space in which to live, but i have to find alternatives...
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
a reading by Jordan (a) Peter's son:
sum: in Icelandic: everyone's everybody or someone's ibin a son of...
hereson boujeron... did i: mishear that?
maybe my listening "skills" are not up to scratch: whether vinyl or liquirice liquid not D but still it's not Lick-a-Rish: reesh: reach!
envy of the stars...
liquirice... spelling mistake: underlined in red... liquorice... LIK-O-REESH... reed?
i much prefer fennel: seeds... but i also know that... well: no surprises...
Roman cumin is standard cumin: "standard"... but in the same way Caraway Seeds are also categorized as cumin (elsewhere):
pizza for dinner and i "suffer" a suffering of this doughy platitude that doesn't: envelop the jaw to bite for worth of bone, sinew, marrow slurp, this dough like this sickness borrowed from the metaphor whereby words become transfixations to call wine blood to call bread body this is not what the Slavic atheists envisioned as simply necrophilia but this is poetic cannibalism what sick mind gives this envy and mindless watered down soliloquy not even St Boniface or Augustus
i write this as if waking up to the simultaneous revelation of both Auschwitz and Golgotha equal in parody this tender kept heave! heave! i find not Euro-centrism in Christianity therefore? i can: clearly! disregard it as something to curl and to tend to "shy intellects" fervent ground: fertile ground where Christianity should be not a crutch on the spirit of the European but a post-European dumping ground like... Africa... parts of China... somewhere south in the tropics of Vietnam... Africa (again) south America: and... north America...
i can't stand this cult of the "misplaced"... "missing": cosmopolitan Messiah this: no wandering in the desert for 40 years by god the Arabs and the Egyptians are having a field day of explaining who's who in the plagiarism of: nobody to borrow or steal from...
so i was skim reading today's newspaper and finally realized: CLASS... a hierarchy a society not that i beg to differ but so much of authoritative print is based upon the middle-class and their loss of cooing when pigeons make authority of the sound...
so much CLASS: opinions i really have no concern for... in my little corner i can sort of breathe an opinion off myself:
"decolonizing" the teaching of philosophy disregarding Plato et al as somehow "white": like the Mediterranean curls and olive glistening was: up to what point will we conjure up "whiteness" to say: oh hell yes! the Finns were the white oppressors all along!
coming to terms with Anglo-Saxon ****** trivialities of power-end submission-begin dynamics like for me:
it wasn't enough to bed a 55 year old woman to finally realize: in my 38th year that somehow: getting my rocks off at the prospect of a 20 year old "body" who punctuated *** with: pay-me-more for: oral *** for the fingers slipping into **** and guitar was a saxophone's polyphony with trumpets and trombones
and how those black men allowed us to escape the rigidity of genius music in score in orchestra with all that silence before the crescendos so freely this is some Jazz Musicians' Appreciation Society?!
the Euros have started and i watched Germany trash Scotland 5 - 1 but it wasn't just about watching the football that was in the background like music like radio 4: BBC 4 i'm going through a breakup and i'm cheating with the workaholic me the one that scribbles a tonne of words with a search for some signets in Katakana and Cuneiform and Jesus Jesus saying as much as he did just doesn't cut it for me i need a fire of intellect and by simply nodding along to those sayings cages in on Kauai: in London: but not in Princeville.....................................
II.
am i such a bad man? today i felt neuter good: atheistic less and solipsistic more
i shoveled pebbles from one side of the garden to the other to make room for measurements of garden furniture: WIKLINOWE... the **** does that mean: i so didn't want to hurt her i made an SS-man incision with a scalpel and shared two videos then the cutting words: THE END... her religiosity got in her way her kindness and femininity a complex got in the way her *** got in the say and opened a many other ways to see
am i a bad man? i never cheated with her in the 4 years long distance relationship impossible to live like that on DOPAMINE hits the chemist in my ignored it for far too long... those were dopamine hits having met on the Jesus Trek i wondered: am i not riding my bicycle that many times?
me mother and father were actually woken up by a smell... my female cat left us... woken up by a smell: not a sound... a smell... the **** blew the roof off and all the rats turned into lizards... i'll admit: some turned into cockroaches... but then that was a far reaching Apocalyptic B-movie B-Plan of the vermin i imagine a flag of central Europe: i see four colors...
black red yellow white
yes: that's the flags of Germany, Poland and the Vatican..
i feel like such a bad man but today i felt normal: i broke up with a girl and i spared myself what i already knew: she had a meeting with her friend and her friend's friend some artist from California and i already knew: but she prolonged then she heard i was inheriting property in Poland and so she stuck around for a bit longer and the torture continued
and there was more Jesus than Christ then someone broke in and starting shouting: Immanuel! Immanuel!
Isaiah: make me return among this plagiarism: who the **** brings a book into a forest?! like who blings with: brings forth a glass pane to the desert?! i ask! i ask!
this is writing with interlude this is no case for the Editorial High Priest for this writing to reach the masses: perhaps a few out of what, i ask?
not out of difficulty? i don't ask out of vanity or snobbishness:
in the night i heard the words:
CO ROBISZ:
not: CO TY ROBISZ?
nor TY ROBISZ...
translation?
what (you) do (beyond lost in translation: a bilingual loss of translation, translating into English from Polish where there is less "shrapnel": less conjunction not so frequent stress on pronouns...
CO ROBISZ...
what you do:
because there was not question asked by my father as i jumped an inch quicker to send that cat **** for examination in the sewers and picnics...
CO TY ROBISZ: yes: the pronoun interrogative structure of sentence even without a ? stressor at the end would be just that: half asleep father with burning nostrils like i...
TY ROBISZ: i sort of wish he said that but by saying that he would be implicit in deeming me a god: but i am not: you (are) doing...
robienie would be the exactness of doing... since it is indefinitely placed in grammar:
ROBISZ is a DO- without an -ING just like: BJE could be the antithesis word from BE- within the confines of BEING via -ING but unlike the -ING of DO- and BE- one can say that: stressed using the articles of "atheism":
DO or NOT do... either way: you're going to: BE! to do and to be are: indefinite articles.. doing and being are: definite articles!
to do not to be is doing is being is not neither not being and not doing but rather either doing and not-doing or being and not-being...
III.
have i left a daughter? i would not have so many transcendental euphoric experiences of simply coming back from work and acknowledging: t.v. is acid need the alkaline gangrene of whiskey and marijuana and day-dream come 11pm...
have i left a daughter? i left a lover and no amount of **** will suffice but hell i know it now and it's like horror movies i now watch without being scared so i watch ******* without being aroused or trying to find paths to the stars... learned it with intimacy par excellence:
but i can't forgive her the book: initiated like a Kantian categorical imperative like that wording somehow deafens the blow the turn the other cheek i will never do but am under sort of forced will: not free will: not enslaved will: i am forced to: live this will... from free will to enslaved will to forced will...
i turned the other cheek to Samir not Kibsi not Qarri not... Samir-Saffar-Ali...
i have been forced to muse: to mule the alkaline and acids the salts and the sugars i am one carrot shy of a donkeys' ride on a roller coaster...
21 years and i'm not counting: perhaps that intelligence deviation: i explain it as: been on the construction site for 40 years and didn't use ear guards of moth cloth or worked in the events industry as a security guard and gone deaf from teenage screams or listening to my headphones with music from teenage me almost shortening the switches: man needs torture! torture! make his ego come up with excerpts coming and going not a sleeper narrative: i think i am i **** i eat i welcome i pet i zoo i transgender i stink of glue... i ergo i plus i minus i divide i shave i live i outlive i ferment i create god
IV.
but this sharp sound in my head from the word whispered into my head via ear: PIENIADZE: money...
oh but the devil can exist outside the human world allowed to be a shaman of shadow and torrential rains! discipline!
watching too much **** can make you forgot your original wits and measures of watching with disgust two serpents: two snails... mating: asexually it would seem... even now... the woodland pigeons seem to be... GANDU!
GANDU! gay: in Urdu... sorry... this last work advert i saw stressed that there are preferential ethnic characteristics concerning a job role:
best be BLACK ASIAN NOT CHINESE NOT RUSSIAN BLACK AND ARAB AND INDIAN AND URDU BEST BE GAY TOO TRANSGENDER NO JUST LGBTQ+ queue too!
can't be white: even German white is too white so like German English history is nothing because oh i'm pretty sure a Somali can joke about Nigerians not hearing themselves but then again i'm just a white guy with two Africans born of immigrants and two immigrants on the Bananas Bahamas..
this is the Royal Academy of Arts... the job is simple... £26,000 a year... for... 16h worth of work over 2 days... but... Africans and Asians (not the Chinese, of Japanese: didn't you know that Japanese are ****?!) and GAYS... #GIMPSFREEPALESTINE...
so... not anyone necessarily competent in faking and then flaking a smile? no... none of that? not anyone intelligent just a racist mantra reignited because if that **** has been then let's return to the god of tribalism and not any: withholding god of the intellect when the Quran was first scribbled down!
time for: herding the people... it's an ugly prospect but it's one that has been measured as occuring countless times in history without any real focus of entrapped leverage of importance...
for weeks i thought myself this terrible man, this... ah.... but language and its own purposes arrived and were left waiting and i too waited: in steam and ferment and the prospect of a meteor and i too decided: as *** the envious parody of when is intellect to be envied to be pardoned like a mutation