in a dream
i had a brother
a tiny screaming baby brother
he wouldn't eat
not for my father and not for my mother
though he belonged only to one of them
i held him in my arms
tiny and screaming and alive
and he ate for me
but while he ate i sobbed
because i knew in my gut
he would not make it
he died when he was 14 or 15
his teenage self watched as i coaxed him to drink
he knew he wouldn't make it either
he died when he was 14 or 15
it was on the news

I walked today feeling heavy
mourning a brother I never had
At work and school I thought of him
tiny and screaming in my arms

I feel empty
Empty all over
in my bones
in my gut
in my throat

He is gone

He was never here

but where he should be is empty

he never existed at all
but he should be
tiny and screaming in my arms