It's been hard to live.
It really has. And my entire life has been sad.
Crying myself to sleep. Scratching my skin open with
My fingernails in the middle of class.
And having green ink poisoning. Trying to **** myself
Slowly.
It's not working. Then you came. All of you, but especially you.
I never knew what happy was. But you gave me a peek.
One or two words out of a novel.
And there is no cure. You can't buy the book with the loose change in your pocket.
You can't steal the magic beans from the man who already planted them.
They grew in my mind, a monster. I can't cut them down.
Or defeat the giant that growls in my ear that he will **** me.

I am not strong enough.
I never was.
Because the beanstalk blocked the sun and the moon.
And I never knew what happy was.