Dear Dream,

Many versions of this letter have been writing themselves in my head for weeks now.
It started when I ended it about three weeks ago.
Told him we'd be better off friends.
I know that's an abrupt start but your words are on replay,
"I'll never forget when you said you're painfully loyal."
So I couldn't say this without you knowing I'm not with him anymore.
I am still painfully loyal.
It's the Taurus, ruled by Venus.
So when I love,
I love passionately.
My Moon is in Cancer - zero degrees.
I'm as Cancer Moon as Cancer Moon can be,
so when I love,
I love with the weight of the Ocean.
I've learned that I don't let go and that is not a weakness.
I make space for everything to be a part of me.
My Venus is in Gemini.
They say that means my way of loving is dynamic-
does that give sense to the two voices at war in my head?
One believes in love that withstands,
one fears being abandoned.
And my Mars,
my Mars in is Aries.
Could it be more suitable?
I am headstrong in the planet of action and passion-
warrior-like, not war-like.
When I love something,
when something ignites me,
I must move towards it.
And so when you are far away,
I still look for feathers in my dreams.
I think about the night we both knew we loved each other,
lying on my bedroom floor.
We did not say it-
not with words.
It was our names hanging in each others throats.
For hours we ached over the inches between us-
felt like the mountains and oceans that are between us now.
I miss you and sometimes that feeling takes over me.
I am afraid you don't feel the same anymore and sometimes that feeling takes over me.
I want to know how you're really doing.
I want you to tell me what the sunrise looks like in Alaska
and what is keeping your heart warm.
I want to tell you that I can't wait to (I hope I get to) see you again.
I want to tell you my feelings haven't changed,
but that I've only grown more curious
of how September, October, November, December have changed you,
made you love something new,
made you cry.
What has died inside you?
Has anything come to light?
I feed death every day-
laughter,
and sunlight
and poems
and honey.
It loves everything
and I feel close to it.
Most days there is an overwhelming part of me that only wants to sit and be with grief, sexx, magic, darkness,
and the willingness of the human spirit to find hope and strength amongst hatred and decay.
But I still get up
and walk with Odin under the early morning Sun.
I learn from him how the world is new every single day.
I just want to lay with you beneath the stars
and talk about
everything.

Love,
Feather