I'll never forget that day,
At dinner
With friends
You got excited and punched my arm a bunch of times.
It kind of hurt
But I was gushing over you.
And it was cute.
I didn't care.
I liked it.

I went in the bathroom
Looked in the mirror and smiled.

That night on the ride home
You texted me.
You said you were driving around listening to the album I told you about.
I felt something starting.
But I always get ahead of myself.

Then we didn't talk for a few days.
I thought "maybe he was just being nice"

But I couldn't stop thinking about you.
So I reached out.

And you asked me on a date.
I was glowing.
You didn't know this but in the beginning of us talking I barely ate, or slept.
I think people thought I was high.
Because I was so happy.
So excited.

All i could do was think about you.

We went to hobby lobby with your daughter.
I got to see how good of a dad you are.

The first time we were together you took off your socks.
And we kissed.
And dry ******.

We took things slow though.
We didn't have *** right away.

We talked about things.

We touched.
We played.
We loved.

As things progressed my trauma came up.
You never gave up on me.
You gave me the safety and push to open up.
It was really hard at first.
But towards the end it was easy.
I trusted you.

I still trust you.

So much love happened.
Real love.

We ate sushi.
We danced.
We laughed.
We told eachother our fears.
Our insecurities.
Our trauma.

Fast forward to that day we had that conversation...
About you moving away,
And not wanting kids,
My heart dropped.
I knew it already but this time it was different.
So much had changed.
I had fallen in love is what changed.
For the first time I had knew what love was.
And it wasn't enough to keep us together.

The next few days all I could think about was ways to make it work.
In my heart I knew it couldn't.
But I didn't know if I was ready to give you up.

You came over and you looked sad.
I wasn't sure if it was the end.

You put your head in my chest
I wasn't sure if you were crying.

We went to the couch.
Both agreed this wouldn't work.

I wanted you to stay.
You had to go.

I wanted one more kiss.
One more time to wrap ourselves around eachother in a long embrace.
One more time to feel you
To make love with you.
Something to hold on to.

When you walked out that door I sobbed.
Heaved.

It's been two days.

Every night I think of how you'll never be in my bed.

I'll never be little spoon held by you.

I'll never feel you inside me with a passion I never felt before.

We won't spend the holidays together.

We won't spend the rest of our lives together.

One day you'll meet someone who loves you.
And you'll love her.

And I hate her.

I don't know her but I hate her.

I hate her for having you.

I want you.
To be mine.

But I want your happiness more.
I want kids.
I want someone who wants that with me.
But I want you.

The feelings I have are so complex.

I live for the small moments I see you or hear from you.

But I fear for the day they fade.

They'll eventually stop.

You'll move on.
I'll move on.

But God I will never forget you.
I will never not love you.
You hold a place in my heart no one will ever fill.
I pray one day we find a way to be together.
Maybe we are old and situated.
Maybe it's in five/ten years.
I don't know.
Maybe it's never.
But I can't lie.
This feels like a once in a lifetime love.
And it's hard for me to let this go.

I love you.