Am I crazy

For falling so fast

Am I crazy

for not being able to let you go?

Am I just crazy

for sacrificing myself for you

Am I crazy

That I miss you still

I smile now, when I think of the memories,
But not always.

But I don't cry anymore,
Well not always.

I try not to text you,
Ehh not always.

I know talking will make it worse,
But will it? Not always.

I get angry at you,
But not always.

I miss you and I love you...
Always.

Did you ever even love me?

I question this now.

Was I there so you weren't alone?
To hype you up?
Fill your void?
Fulfil your needs?

Then you left.

You say you still like me.

But did you ever love me?
Did you ever feel the way I felt?
Lose your breath when you saw me?
Feel the connection when we touched?
Feel like you've never felt before with anyone?
I did.

I'll never know how you truly felt.

But I question if you ever loved me.

He gave me dead flowers
So I can smell them every day
The rotten petals falling
The color of decay

The washed out sunflower
The dehydrated leaves
The mold on the water
The color of debris

The richly red rose
Now drooping to the floor
The color of love
Existed no more

But still I saved the flowers
And smelled them every day
And watered them with tears
To let them grow again.

I can't believe it's been almost 3 weeks since we broke up.

Why am I not ok yet?

Why are you fine?

Do you care?

Did you ever love me?

Or was I just here to make you feel better?

My heart aches.

I miss my friend.

I miss your touch.

I miss kissing you.

I miss knowing you.

Idk who you are anymore.

You feel so far away.

Why do I care?

Why does it matter?

It doesn't.

You'll be gone even farther soon.

I'm not important to you and don't know if I ever was.

I'll be here.

Hoping someone will love me the way I want. Wishing it could've been you.

The days are strange without you here.

Sometimes I'm ok.
Sometimes I ache.

At first every moment was hard.
I physically hurt all the time.

Everything has a memory.
I can't do much without you being attached to it.

My bed
The shower
The couch
The floor

Even little things like
Vacuuming
Doing dishes
Making food
Brushing my teeth

Today I just want to call you.

But I feel annoying.

I'm pretty sure you don't want to talk to me.

You act like you're fine.

I want you to be happy but honestly I want you to be hurting like I am.

I need proof you ever loved me.

I don't know what's real anymore.

I'll never forget that day,
At dinner
With friends
You got excited and punched my arm a bunch of times.
It kind of hurt
But I was gushing over you.
And it was cute.
I didn't care.
I liked it.

I went in the bathroom
Looked in the mirror and smiled.

That night on the ride home
You texted me.
You said you were driving around listening to the album I told you about.
I felt something starting.
But I always get ahead of myself.

Then we didn't talk for a few days.
I thought "maybe he was just being nice"

But I couldn't stop thinking about you.
So I reached out.

And you asked me on a date.
I was glowing.
You didn't know this but in the beginning of us talking I barely ate, or slept.
I think people thought I was high.
Because I was so happy.
So excited.

All i could do was think about you.

We went to hobby lobby with your daughter.
I got to see how good of a dad you are.

The first time we were together you took off your socks.
And we kissed.
And dry ******.

We took things slow though.
We didn't have *** right away.

We talked about things.

We touched.
We played.
We loved.

As things progressed my trauma came up.
You never gave up on me.
You gave me the safety and push to open up.
It was really hard at first.
But towards the end it was easy.
I trusted you.

I still trust you.

So much love happened.
Real love.

We ate sushi.
We danced.
We laughed.
We told eachother our fears.
Our insecurities.
Our trauma.

Fast forward to that day we had that conversation...
About you moving away,
And not wanting kids,
My heart dropped.
I knew it already but this time it was different.
So much had changed.
I had fallen in love is what changed.
For the first time I had knew what love was.
And it wasn't enough to keep us together.

The next few days all I could think about was ways to make it work.
In my heart I knew it couldn't.
But I didn't know if I was ready to give you up.

You came over and you looked sad.
I wasn't sure if it was the end.

You put your head in my chest
I wasn't sure if you were crying.

We went to the couch.
Both agreed this wouldn't work.

I wanted you to stay.
You had to go.

I wanted one more kiss.
One more time to wrap ourselves around eachother in a long embrace.
One more time to feel you
To make love with you.
Something to hold on to.

When you walked out that door I sobbed.
Heaved.

It's been two days.

Every night I think of how you'll never be in my bed.

I'll never be little spoon held by you.

I'll never feel you inside me with a passion I never felt before.

We won't spend the holidays together.

We won't spend the rest of our lives together.

One day you'll meet someone who loves you.
And you'll love her.

And I hate her.

I don't know her but I hate her.

I hate her for having you.

I want you.
To be mine.

But I want your happiness more.
I want kids.
I want someone who wants that with me.
But I want you.

The feelings I have are so complex.

I live for the small moments I see you or hear from you.

But I fear for the day they fade.

They'll eventually stop.

You'll move on.
I'll move on.

But God I will never forget you.
I will never not love you.
You hold a place in my heart no one will ever fill.
I pray one day we find a way to be together.
Maybe we are old and situated.
Maybe it's in five/ten years.
I don't know.
Maybe it's never.
But I can't lie.
This feels like a once in a lifetime love.
And it's hard for me to let this go.

I love you.