i don't need anyone, i just need everyone and then some -

you and your previous orange partner had issues
not us, i thought
we were gonna overcome everything. it was gonna be us. We were it.

you were my first.
if gave you my all & we wanted what's best for eachother, what could possibly stand in your way of walking down the aisle while i waited at the end, crying at the beauty of your white laced sight?

i was your soulmate
i thought you were mine
loving someone shouldn't have to feel this painful
or
tumultuous

fighting almost everyday, i begged you to accuse me less

i disliked the orange flavored candy you liked so much (i'm sorry),

i disliked the tangerine candle you gifted me when you got back (i'm so so sorry),

you resisted apologizing unless i had proved it was worthy enough to apologize for (i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry),

I loved you. I thought if i were ever to lose you, I would be grieving you.

I find myself instead reeling from all the hurt, everything I've been put through.

I felt like i was going crazy,
remembering all the little details, i found it terrifying apologizing for things i don't remember doing

You didn't have my best interests at heart.

What would happen if you put someone who always thinks of themselves regardless of how it affects others first?

You reach out for your person, your lifeboat admist the icy waters,
but they refuse your entry, unless you admit:

you were the one who had chosen to jump in. you weren't pushed.

I didn't want to set sail to the Atlantic
I wanted to be on land,
I wanted to be on land.

Solid, solid. abundance. No rations.

I wanted to feel safe, you wanted to feel safe. I wanted to be your deck. And despite everything, i could've loved you forever. unconditional.

I could've laughed off the dip in the waters, i could've worn floaties.

I gave you my whole heart.
now a bruised fruit, beating and squeezing in my ribcage, aching.
You were my little peach.
i was your dough.
i was kneaded too hard without regard for my sake
ended up crumbled.

i thought of your eyes today
how much i adored them.
everytime i look at you, i feel like i'm looking into the eyes of my best friend i had growing up.
my sweet lover and best friend in one.
your big dreamy eyes
beautiful dark and even darker browns with green outline
i fall in love with you over and over again
i'm protective

i then remembered when i joked about how eyeliner makes your eyes pop and that you looked quite intimidating, you didn't like that comment, i apologized.

i then remembered when you took my words and told our friends how i don't like your eyes, that i don't like how you looked in eyeliner at all, you said it in a way making me look like i don't care about you;

(What? Why?)

i then remembered how you prioritize your perspective under the guise of validating your feelings, despite me pleading with you that's not what i meant;

Intentions matter, context matters. Without it, we are all monsters.

"honey, your hurting is real, but it's not everything,
things aren't black and white, baby, sometimes it's not all the way right or wrong, it's probably gray.
wait that's not what i meant, please, you know me. stop villianizing me. i thought you understood me. You know me."

You knew me.

I'm not your enemy. i was supposed to be your first mate, and you, my captain.

i can't think of any reasons why you wouldn't throw me overboard.

Peeling an orange today
Flesh ripping, juice escaping
pulling it apart
it was a mess

i realized i was consumed with all the "did i actually say it like this?", "did this actually happen?", "did she mean to manipulate me?"

how can you act as if you weren't at all in the wrong for never changing the ways you have hurt me even after i've told you about them over and over for months?

how can you say you're telling your truth when it is selective and not the entirety
and expect me to not to tell mine?

how can you easily throw me away?

reconnected with your previous soulmate, helped me move and were planning sleepovers with me, promised to help fix things between us, have *** with me,

two days later,

gave me a "choice" you knew i couldn't make, not wait for said decision & already tell people we broke up?

and by then you've already made a post about how you're entering 'a new era'; the perquisites having broken my heart; where one of the pictures my moving boxes in the back of your car.

You will never see that you did anything wrong.

But at some point, if everything always smells like ****, i hope you'll have the courage to check your shoes.

What a mess.

I wanted us to be it. And i tried so hard to help you be more reliable and vulnerable.

But apparently i am another clementine