I have this calling from the depths of my soul
in my heart
I cry
I want my mommy!!
but when i think back to my own mom
i shudder
i would never wanna be in her cruel arms again
and than it hits me
I want that safe place of home
when I see the little ones in my nursery
with their parents
it pinches the pain so deep within me
the essence of me
that when I tap in
she's just bunched up in a ball
crying sobbing on the floor
wanting longing
a longing so deep
that it never goes away
that no matter how much life tried to break me
I always got up
rose up
and kept on pushing harder
the amount of chronic illness and pain
and suffering that i have endured
since i was a child
is so much
and honestly it still feels so so hard
it seems all i do is cry
and ball
I saw some videos on the news today
of these boys beating a child
and I thought its horrific but doesn't suprise me
I have seen so many shades of the horrific cruelty of this world
I always say the fact that I am alive
is literally a miracle
because the low places I've been to in my life
are so horrific it hurts to talk about
so taboo
that people shudder from it
I think that if we talk about taboos more
in safe places
they would happen less
and the ones who are crying in pain
endlessly for years
would get help faster
that's what I would tell my younger self
that "who you are is a miracle
and even though today and the past few days
I felt like I wanted to **** myself again...
I took a deep breath
looked at the beautiful pieces in my life
and worked on healing myself
and loving myself
in my pain,
in my so called "darkness"
this girl
told me that I have a darkness to me
I guess to others
being dark
means being real
means having big emotions
I see my big emotions as treasures
I feel like I can experience so much more joy
because of the levels of pain
I have had in my life
sometimes emerging from the fires of life
is painful
but its still beautiful.
i got a fake tattoo of a dragonfly today
which told me to enjoy the small moments
of when I look into a child's eyes
and they teach me about presence
about joy
about the joy
of just living of just being alive
I am working towards that
of just loving being alive
because for far too long
and still now at times
I hate being alive
but I wanna love it
sometimes,
for I still believe hope
is the most powerful
but daunting  at times but beautiful
thing on this planet earth.