I think found is
a state of seeing the
grass around me
staring at the sky
at the birds flying above me
being a teacher
and watching the children's
eyes light up when they see me
to feel that I am making the world a little
bit better
than I found it
to add some more light into a place of darkness
to start to accept myself love myself more
to start to like looking in the mirror sometimes
to start to realize that I was never the problem
I always sought out situations with people
who were very low class
in the way they viewed the world
in the crass horrific way they treated people
and in the drugs they used
maybe the problem was never me
all along
maybe I was a gem
hidden for so long
a diamond in the rough
maybe I am better than I imagined
viewing my life
as if a passerby
someone else stares back at me
with those soulful eyes
as I chatter back in Hebrew
a language  almost as old as time itself
I feel a familarity
in the air
maybe its a sense of coming home
coming home
to the child inside of me
who tells me that she now feels happy
sometimes
who tells me how sad but releaved she feels
how I remember more and more
I feel even more determined
to protect these babes
in the ways that I never was
to tell them that they are beautiful
smart and kind
as if I am telling that to myself
because I am
a cold heart
can melt away
and turn into a feeling one
it just takes time
as she takes a deep breath
and sighs and says
hmm yes healing takes time
and sometimes many many breakdowns
and healing many fears to get there
for the only way out is through.
Maybe the darkness
doesn't need to last forever
when we learn to heal our own darkness
and to learn to listen to ourselves
so deeply and so purely
to believe that we are so worthy
and than we are shown
that we are
and always were so worthy
for I was always trying to find me
and maybe the me
was always there all along
for we are always love deep down
for when you see children
they are love
and when we see animals and  nature
they are love
they are what gives me love
happieness and joy
I believe if we all learn how
to return to that state
the world will be more of a utopia
so for now all I have is myself
and the beating fire of my heart
that I am so happy
that I am still alive
still standing in my body
and with my eyes
that have seen so so much
in this life
for I feel so so old
ancient almost
but still ever ever so young
and filled with more hope
than I have in a very very long time
for it feels as if my heart is starting to beat
slowly once again.