I wanna go to see the ocean
but not the typical one that I always see
I wanna go to the ocean
to meet my grandmother
who passed when I was 12
just to hug her for one last time
just to be able to talk to my brothers again
because eventhough they are alive
they are still dead in my heart
mired from the pain of silent but ongoing abuse
I wanna go to see the ocean
to see my parents before
they became abusive
when they were kind humans
I wanna go to see the ocean
to see my childhood home
to see myself as a child
to give myself all the hugs and love that I needed
while I was being violated
in my supposed safe place
I wanna go to see the ocean
to drench myself in the sea of my own tears
tears of complete sadness joy freedom and awe
because all can exist at once
and it does in the ocean of my heart
all this exists
joy that I can finally be freed of my chains of my past
but agony that I have to do this to be free
and all the sadness that comes along it
my eyes are the colors of the ocean
that swim with the pain of lonlieness
of longing
of imagining
of becoming
of waiting
of longing
of desire
of wanting a chosen family
of my own
and a place that I can truly call home