i hear stories about people perpetually colliding on chance meetings and the universe persistently weaving two people together no matter the resistance. he has always been an arbitrary constant in these past years but i never thought he would become a foundation, someone who actively wanted to be a part of my mundane daily existence. it hasn't properly hit me yet what is going on and i think part of me refuses to accept it as reality in case it all falls to pieces, like these things tend to do. i'm accustomed to the bright flashes of emotion and wired nerves before reality settles in and disperses everything. he treats every moment spent with me with this sense of reverence and awe and it off-sets me to see it so clearly despite how much he tries to hide it. i can see it when i catch him looking at me when i've turned my attention away for a minute from our facetime calls or how he will kiss my shoulder every time i become restless in my sleep. it's all too much and i'm so worried that if i let my guard down for the briefest of seconds that i'll explode into a horrific mess on the inside.