i thought that if i
squeezed my eyes shut tight enough,
the tears would collect
in the back of my throat and i could
swallow them -
wouldn't have to face
their hot,
wet,
attitude.

i thought that if i
left uncovered
a soft, pale collarbone,
the searching for thoughts beneath
that satin skin would
quickly fall away.

i thought that if i
tied down the fist
knocking, knocking, knocking
from the inside of my chest
i could keep it quiet

          keep them all quiet

          but the knocking never stops

and the knocking
     fuels the thoughts
and the thoughts
     fuel the tears

and i
have lost
all control