I think I am starting to truly understand who I am
I was born into the world as an ultimate
pattern disrupter
as society's taboo,
I show people their shadows,
treated as an outcast for forever in my past,
now I am working on loving myself fully,
and radical acceptance.
I have been queer for as far back as
I can possibly remember
And how much I have hated this
and tried to wish it away
pray it away
since i was a child,
I felt like a half man
half women
and I never had words to express it
but even the labels that people want to name me
as gender fluid etc... don't fully describe it
I don't even want to get too attached to it
because  I just wanna fully  accept who I  am
as being fully okay and loved,
and the fact that I have always loved women
the way their skin tastes
the way their bodies move
the way that I look at them
and my body feels tingly and alive inside
and that I always felt that I had a great secret
that I could never share
because where I am from ,
it was seen as sinful and disgusting
and although I have come out,
these words still ring in my head every single day
and the men that I love are everything that I was taught
that men shouldn't be and I was forced to hate them
And my heart broke all the while
I want to be with a man that is kind loving
beautiful that is pretty a person that is spirtual
open midned a person that loves men and women
a person that is artsy , that is a pretty boy
that is such a beautiful person that I will feel lucky
to say that he is mine
someone that is my best friend
even though my thoughts my past and people
want me to believe that men are horrible
I refuse to believe
I will see each person as who they are.
I also want a girlfriend
to cook with
paint with and to love forever
I was taught to be straight
to be monogamous
to be bland
to be shallow
to be baseline
to play the social games ,
but that is not me and it never was .
I am tired of this playing this ridiculous game !
But I feel really scared to be out of  all of this,
all of me out in the open
because the times that I have ,
people have said the meanest things
but I also remember the good times
as well the kind people
who told me ,
that I am colorful
that I am pretty and beautiful
for being the fluid being that
I am and that I don't need to change that
for anyone,
and to meet people who are polyamarous
and to see that you can be happy
and that you can live your own way of life.
Many tell me  that
I can't tell that you were religious before
because maybe I seem so liberal and open minded
now,
but you don't know how much
I fought and how much I was ostracized by everyone ,
just for being myself
a deep soul
so as I sit here crying
trying to understand who
I am,
It feels so  hard to be a soul in a body
in a world ,
where people just see bodies
many times,
I wish that we could just
all see souls
and love life in that manner
and to tell my inner child
that somewhere in someone's world,
I am wanted
I am normal and
that I am okay
and that I have my own place
of belonging in this world .
That I am just who I am
a woman with a magical name
in a magical being
and that it is okay to wear what I want
love who I want
and to feel masculine and feminine at different times,
without needing to put myself in a box.