Jan 2023
Thoughts are consumed...
Raptured in the memory.
Emotions are intense, I feel them at the highest of my capabilities.
I want to to cry, but drowning in black blood is not what I intentionally have in mind.
I get consumed, by every guy I am with.
Hookup, relationships, flings.
I can't control it.
And it overtakes my whole being until I have to force myself to detach from it.
This new guy, that I want to be with, forever.
I'm already overthinking and analyzing it way into the future where it shouldn't even be.
It's long distance, and we communicate over the phone 24/7.
But it's not enough, I want him here, I want him now.
The anticipation is building, the tower is forming, I don't want it to collapse.
I want him now!
He's only moving here in April.
I'd have to wait this long just to see the love of my life.
In sadness and gloom, I ponder.
Boredom strikes and I have no one to talk to.
I cut the friends with benefits off, I realized the energy was toxic and it wasn't going to be good for me in the long run.
However, I was completely consumed by him too.
At least I'm over it now, but now this other guy stays on my mind like it's last drainage of blood left.
It's like my mind needs to have men on it, or if it's doesn't, it stays and dwells in endless boredom that leads to a dark depression.
Feelings are deep, the waves hit the rocks in the black ocean.
I see nothing but him.
I only want to be with him.
But I say this about every guy I'm with, so what makes this one any different?
EMOTIONS AS DARK AS THE DEATH OF TORTUROUS BODIES AND WALL SCRATCHING.
A SURGE OF PAIN INFLICTION AND HEAVY TOXICITY, FAINTEST TO THE TOUCH.
I FEEL MY MIND LURKING, IN PLACES WHERE THEY SHOULDN'T BE.
We agreed that this relationship with one another will be polyamorous.
Yet, I'm getting jealous, possessive thoughts at the sight of him with anyone else but me.
I literally only want to use other guys as a pitiful distraction, nothing more, nothing less.
This is painful.
Raptured in the memory.
Emotions are intense, I feel them at the highest of my capabilities.
I want to to cry, but drowning in black blood is not what I intentionally have in mind.
I get consumed, by every guy I am with.
Hookup, relationships, flings.
I can't control it.
And it overtakes my whole being until I have to force myself to detach from it.
This new guy, that I want to be with, forever.
I'm already overthinking and analyzing it way into the future where it shouldn't even be.
It's long distance, and we communicate over the phone 24/7.
But it's not enough, I want him here, I want him now.
The anticipation is building, the tower is forming, I don't want it to collapse.
I want him now!
He's only moving here in April.
I'd have to wait this long just to see the love of my life.
In sadness and gloom, I ponder.
Boredom strikes and I have no one to talk to.
I cut the friends with benefits off, I realized the energy was toxic and it wasn't going to be good for me in the long run.
However, I was completely consumed by him too.
At least I'm over it now, but now this other guy stays on my mind like it's last drainage of blood left.
It's like my mind needs to have men on it, or if it's doesn't, it stays and dwells in endless boredom that leads to a dark depression.
Feelings are deep, the waves hit the rocks in the black ocean.
I see nothing but him.
I only want to be with him.
But I say this about every guy I'm with, so what makes this one any different?
EMOTIONS AS DARK AS THE DEATH OF TORTUROUS BODIES AND WALL SCRATCHING.
A SURGE OF PAIN INFLICTION AND HEAVY TOXICITY, FAINTEST TO THE TOUCH.
I FEEL MY MIND LURKING, IN PLACES WHERE THEY SHOULDN'T BE.
We agreed that this relationship with one another will be polyamorous.
Yet, I'm getting jealous, possessive thoughts at the sight of him with anyone else but me.
I literally only want to use other guys as a pitiful distraction, nothing more, nothing less.
This is painful.
