1.a special handshake between the two of us that he would accidentally try with others.
2. his favorite cereal bowl. a pink egg with a bunny painted on the inside.
3. the reality tv show we’d watch for hours, just to talk **** about.
4. a crisp hundred dollar bill.
5. the van that he sat in for hours.
6. a 47 second phone call to tell me he was proud of me and my poem.
7. not enough pictures.
8. his hair and face staring me down in the mirror.
9. a lifelong aversion to drug addicts
10. the van that held him as he took pill after pill in a parking lot.
11. an empty feeling home that was once filled with him.
12. a little sister who saw too much, who feels too much.
13. his anger as i watch my mother move on faster than i can fathom.
14. $85 a week in therapy bills.
15. a lifelong attraction to drug addicts.
16. dreams like my subconscious is testing to see if i remember his face still.
17. not enough videos.
18. a loneliness i couldn’t have imagined.
19. a big sister, full with the future that he was supposed to love.
20. the answer to my lifelong, unasked question.
21. guilt.
22. a little green jar that makes me feel more hallow than not.
23. not enough.