I saw you a few minutes ago
and you were laughing (and I had to laugh too)
but you didn't really look at me at all
yet it was way too hard to not look at you
and I have no idea how to explain
exactly how that moment felt
but I thought about your smile again
(and I had to smile too)
but then really fast I stopped
because the you that was just smiling
in the lobby of the building where we first kissed
was you exactly how you were six months ago
but somehow I couldn't see myself in your life anymore
and it wasn't like before
when I knew of course that I wasn't in your life anymore
but it was like I knew I wasn't
and I couldn't even see how it made sense
that I ever had been at all
and then I felt like crying
and I'm not even sure why
but I picked everything up
and I left right away
and now I'm upstairs
in the middle of the chair where we first kissed
and nothing feels the same
but I don't know how it's different
because I don't remember how it felt before
and now you're really quickly fading
from the person I thought was perfect
and couldn't believe was mine
(and then couldn't believe I had lost)
to another senior boy
who does his homework
in the lobby of the building where I go too
who barely even knows who I am
and wouldn't think twice
if he didn't say a word to me all year
and I don't want you to be that
(as in I need you to not be that)
but I don't know how to tell you
because it's already too late
and my thoughts aren't organizing themselves well
(as in this is probably my worst poem ever)
but I'm so shaken up
just by sitting near you
as you were laughing
and I don't know what's happening
but I hate what it's doing to me
and really all I want
is to have whatever I'm missing back
but I don't even remember what it was anymore.