when you're single
you don't eat Mac n cheese out of a bowl
just eat it from the ***
you don't bring home extra treats from the store
you don't clean the sink as often
or make the bed as often

when you're single
eating is a chore
and eating out is expensive
you pay half as much
and you don't sleep half as well

when you're single
the other person in your house
doesn't want to rate cheese together
or read stories to each other
or dream up new hobbies to try

when you're single
that doctors appointment gets put off
and the socks aren't in haste pulled off
there is no joy in being turned on
or anyone to lay upon

work goes on and money goes in and out
excel spreadsheets track what I think
will help productivity and health
but they're really just distractions
from what I can't measure
from what I can't make a formula for

was it similar enough to a marriage to add on more years to allow for healing?
what is the threshold for peace in which
walking beside someone will feel natural
when hearig them say "I really like you"
doesn't ruin your week
does it matter?
was it good enough to learn from and make the best of?
am I too focused on processing it?
I need more cheese...

when will I forget her.
because it won't come soon enough
I'd rather forget
and later read our letters and see photos and learn about great it must have been

than to know that it was preventable
and be here.

I never cheated
I never hit or yelled
But I didn't love her how she needed
and wasn't constantly learning how to love her better

shell find someone who
will do an even better job
and she'll leave them too

I'll find someone
who I think is an even better match
and they'll leave me too

and we'll both keep expecting abandonment
money will come in and go out
schedules will be made and kept
and I'll keep holding back laughter
and look forward to
the day when remembering won't hurt