that only helps you fall asleep
once, not twice in a row
not a reliable method to ward away
those still quite seeds of pure evil

it doesn't work
after you're tempted
for the first time in seven years
to cut your legs
from the stress that keeps you
up till past four am
after thinking a day full of biking would
put you to sleep soon

whole day you pretended she didn't exist
whole day you thought it would last
whole semester you pretend that you're healing faster than you are
but even your friends are tired of hearing her name

now it's not only the puppy's face you can kick in
like you did in 2014,
but now you can kick its ***** in
like they're fresh bubble rap
or a pice of trash in the bike lane
shoved aside into the gutter
kick them to keep the puppy safe
safe from falling into love,
falling into infatuation
falling away from God

we used to have to take breaks from talking
our cheeks were hurting from how long we sustained
our smiles
laughter about
how long we've gone smiling

now my legs are tense,
the pain is familiar
like the acid that is deposited
in your mouth,
that taste you get every few years
out of know where

and my nose twitches
when I think about her
as if I got a whif of a sewer
overrun by dying rats
who ate off of nothing but
discarded fast food wrappers
and drank **** from dying, crushed cicadas

dreams of ticks climbing on me
looking for a hidden spot
to bite and **** my blood
maybe in my ear,
maybe next to my taint,
maybe in the small of my back
the exact places you've been before
all the places that no one else has gone
that's where the ticks will go
that's where my flesh was opened
and has not healed yet

the enemy wants to abide in me
to feed off of me
to drain me of what's been gifted

why do you think
there is any chance
that I would want to be with you?
why will this be an event
where we sit down and talk
about our feelings
as if there is a bond between us
to be mended,
just a patch to sew,
just a pice of code to correct,
a poem's paragraph to rewrite,
just a muddy stretch of country road to walk through
before we can get back on the motorbike?

what does your community say about this?
have you asked?
what does God say about this?
have you asked?
what do you say about this?
have you truly asked yourself?

who do you think you are?
is it simply that I'm 21 months older than you
that I've gone through this before
and know that it's not worth the try?

what, you think an ideal relationship
is one where they break up and get back together
...
is that model driving your decisions
to quit on me just to ask me back?
as if a relationship that never breaks is a weaker one than one that does?

aren't I on the transgender "branch"
in your tree theory of predestination?
aren't I just on some path that is impossible
to leave even without God's help?
aren't I just some *******
that you got to know,
learned to love,
and tossed out
with the rotting, maggot theme park that was our compost bin?

that's how it felt.
I forgave you for that
I don't hate you anymore
and I'm not mad at you anymore

but I don't speak of you
as if you were a low risk investment,
or a peaceful scene along the river,
a short ride through the jungle,
or an integrated unit that knows
how to deal with it's weaknesses

I speak of you to myself
as someone
with a high IQ
and a high EQ
but not with yourself