my house is scratched, my house is scrawny
it squeaks but it don’t shine
my name is Fudge the Brownie
and this fudgin’ house is mine

it wasn’t perfect when they built it
they had to patch and bodge
and they summoned this here spirit
out of every little “fudge!”
stubbed ya big toe on the landing?
****** on carpets that don’t match?
splinters on the wood needs sanding
and the gutter pipes don’t catch?
take it easy! don’t make boggarts
outta molehills made of dust,
leave me coins and nuts and yogurts
and i’ll fix it when i’m assed

our house it leans, our house it sighs
it ain’t got no level lines
but you got a Fudge here on your side
and this fudgin’ house is mine

i will fix what thing wants fixing
but don’t fix what ain’t yet broke
not my fault the sink is sinking
not my fault the speakers spoke
ya don’t see the dishes drying
i don’t put em on display
like the oil where you were frying
that i cleanly put away
******* all you ******* *****
i am like twelve inches tall
so don’t make me catch your glasses
cos you put em where they fall

just because you ******* bought it
does not mean this house is yours
you turned Fudge into a Boggart
i’m not doing your fudgin’ chore
you hurt my house? that's outta pocket
so i'm done being benign
you turned Fudge into a Boggart
and this fudgin' house is mine