To me the word love was difficult to feel or define. I never knew or could express what love was.
I was only half way there with my definition on what love meant to me. I was being assessed for autism on that day
A physchatrist told me from my definition I had given him.
I had only ever felt infatuation or lust never felt what love was which was why I could not define this.
He says its down to all the shock and abuse I endured The times I kept on denying abuse ever happened to me making excuses for the abusers as I was and still feel afraid of what happened making it seem all rational and normal when it wasn't.
I couldn't face up to painful truth of being abused I kept trying to push it out my head or drowning the bad memories or thoughts it with alcohol which only made the pain feel worst and more intense inside.
I said to the assessor how can you expect me to define what love really is? when I was feeling broken all the time. Feeling rejected that I never really mattered much to anyone else. Feeling like I was always a second or third option but never a first option.
The abuse I had endured made it difficult for me to have relationships with men. I felt scared and on edge that I will get hurt again and the insecurities followed me around my head for a long while as I felt that when I always got comfortable I would end up rejected and getting my heart broken.
This is until I finally met the love of my life. I knew there was something I love about him even from the start. My partner is energetic and always wants to help other people same as myself. I know that I feel what love is for him as no other man or woman ever compares to him. We had our ups and downs with life in the last 4 years but we are strong together. Life has constantly tested us and we have always been there helped each other out from falling into the dark pit.
He turns my frown into a smile by making me laugh with his jokes. I can tell him anything and he can tell me anything. There is always equal love and there is always equal support. He's like my best friend as well as my lover and always looks after me and sophie too.
He puts us first and I always do the same for him. We've been working on our issues together and we make such a great team. We are both creative and spiritual. He's helped me enjoy the good and also get through the very bad, being there for me even when I felt low or when my health has been very poor.
I've always been there for him when he's equally had the good and very bad in his life.
For me this is what love is to me he never expects anything he just loves me how I am and I love him that way too. My bad experiences had blinded me for the first 2 years of the relationship and created more insecurities but now I feel more stable and much more comfortable with him We both are not perfect and we both make mistakes and there is always ups and downs but we have never given up on each other. I love him and sophie so much. He's my love.