you might try: like i have, used various translation
tools...
   but none can compete with investing in
a £20 book on a topic...
                            
                   not that i am boasting:
   can one boast about amassing a private collection
of books?
can one boast about amassing a private collection
of music records?
            
               maybe i should boast about having a library
card? or owning a radio?
perhaps i should boast about investing money
in stock of a cat food company?
   or... whatever it might be: a Ferrari?
                             property... perhaps i should
boast about that... a portfolio of properties
that i'm currently renting...          hypothetical: of course...

but the private library is very real...
   and the private music collection is also real...
i really can't believe in either the Christian or the Buddhist
sentiment for complete: abject: immateriality...

ever since i was a young boy...
my ****** ****** off in that great labour drain
after the collapse of the Soviet union...
(the intellectual drain came much later,
circa 2005)
                   so instead of a father from the ages
of 4 through to 8 i received phonecalls
and packages of gifts...

    one time: a Nintendo came...
   that very first type...
                  i used to be a sharing child...
all my neighbours came round and they played
and i played too but sometimes i just watched...
and as i watched i had this...
INDESCRIBABLE sensation in the tips of my
fingers: watching other people use my things...
it wasn't NUMBING it was:
TICKLING-NUMBING...

bewildering... as the Taoist says:
what are ignoble, yet must be depended on?
things...
         from that brilliant passage
being there and giving room...
                        hmm... it seems i've made full circle...
or rather... during the heat-wave i was lying
in the coolest place in the house come late morning...
and to my surprise i was lying
"upside down" (which is impossible when
you're laid on the floor)...

but then again: it isn't... i lay one way...
but when i woke up... through the heat...
i managed to do a 180° twist...
break-dancing in my sleep?
    i toppled a chair in the process (since the coolest
place in the house was beside the dining table
in the living room) - of note... my mother still
makes fun of me when i said as a child:

the civil room... the "living room" for me
was the CIVIL ROOM... pokój cywilny...
how else? you're not being civil in the bedroom,
certainly not in the bathroom nor the *******
kitchen... made sense to me back then
as it does now... nothing's changed...

      but it has truly been years! what a grand return
to my original lessons... i remember picking up
my first book on Tao...
                         back when i was a brat...
just turned into a teenager...
                 how many tribulations since then:
and i'm implying: intellectual adventures...
two years of Heidegger -

   how is it that people merely "read" books?
can people read-meditate?
                                   meditierenlesen?
well... for that to happen? Descartes construct
of the res cogitans and the res extensa has to
disappear... the self-narrative construct of the ego
has to disintegrate...
    the res extensa remains intact:
           hence my pseudo-schizophrenic experiences
of auditory hallucinations...
but... the res cogitans disappears and in its
place comes the RES VANUS...

and no: it's not a thing of vanity...
                                       it's a thing of vacuum...
mind you: dealing with this impoosion
and the rampant res extensa: that caused be some
worry... bilingualism helped...
and once bilingualism helped: came the adventure
into becoming a part-time polyglot...

with a fetish for the German language
and the Japanese script (although i still think
Korean... i still think Korean... is something special)

hmm... two years of Heidegger...
and the concept of dasein:
i always found that grammatically complicated...
oh... i understand the concept:
of concern... most modern people interpret it
via the acronym of F.O.M.O.:
fear of missing out...

                        but that's FALSE CONCERN...
that's not genuine (i wouldn't stretch it as
far as TRUE) concern... ergo: if it's not true
but false concern... i.e. it's not genuine:
then it's logically provable to simply call it
a FAKE concern... that's how synonyms and antonyms
work... with a sort of algebra-esque dynamic...

i tried to work around this un-grammatical
vision for some time...
i broke dasein up along several lines...
i even intruduced the very English hyphenation
of words... da-sein...
    but by doing so i couldn't but help myself
in having to think about introducing the "pluralism"
of the apostrophe S:             's

i.e. there's being...
                                  da ist sein...
hmm: what now? there's existence... there's also
non-existence...
                    no no... muddle muddle:
spaghetti entanglement...
       i need something simpler: something clarifying...

lo and behold!
in my de profundis nadir i remember standing
in a queue to the bank-machine with some guy...
randomly we chatted about "this that and the other"
when i exclaimed:
the best plan, is to have no plan...

Taoism was forever stirring in me...
my mind just supressed it for a while while
having to learn *******...
chemistry, history, French literature: *******...
my admiration of Ezra Pound soon disappeared...
he was a staunch anti-Taoist...
well: one must change to allow for "things"
to happen...

ah! and there it was... a lighthouse in one
of Edward Hopper's paintings...
everything Norman Bates implying...
    
                                                                     在

zai... or rather: zài                       right...
                 but how do you say that?
it's a grave-a: that indicator atop the A is just
that... this is where the English use of the apostrophe
(oh **** me... the English apostrophe
and the hyphen is probably the only chance
to see "orthography" in action in the English
language... the apostrophe and the hyphen
are the only "diacritical" marks in the English
language)

   zài?                                  it's za'i

no! the dot above the iota and the JOTTA
do not count: since they disappear when the letters
are elevated from first to in the middle...

but that Mandarin "character" up there?
that's my release from Heidegger's grasp...
it's the correctly grammatical concern of:
being there...
                         rather than there-being... concern...
blah blah...
     i'm either there: or i'm not...
i'm either concerned or i'm not...
like with the twin fires at the gateway of
the Thames...
one fire in Bexleyheath - south of her majestic
lake like stasis and Bermuda triangle tide in tide out
a river that behaves like a ******* sea...
and like a lake: just sitting there...
and a fire in Wennington: a village i tend to
sometimes cycle through... SIMULTANEOUSLY...

ha ha: a scene...
that boat scene with the fellowship going
down the river of Anduin...
two pillars of smoke: Isildur and Anárion...
it was amazing to watch: i must admit...
oh the heavenly: sometimes there's nothing one
can do but pay compliments as a terrible
narrator to what's happening...
or plagiarise... that's the worst:
then again... of the cyclic truths...
    must memory be eroded?
perhaps that's the original sin:
we would think we were the first...
and the only: EVER... in existence...
               we thought we would be special...
unique... the one Adam Schwarzstein
   among the many Adam Smiths...
                         i think that's original sin:
the sin of originality...
                            we either get offended or become
proud when someone copies us...
personally? i love the idea that people have
copied my way of cycling... actually making sure
that one is visible in the rearview-mirror
of a large truck...
    behaving like a REMORA to a bus that's a SHARK...
imitating bike-riders...
seriously: once i started to display my
"arrogance" when cycling in central London?
i haven't heard of any cyclist-deaths...
prior to? oh: you heard it all the time...

sure thing: copy me... after all... we've gone past
giving a **** about originality...
we're already contemplating if not already
establishing cloning... perhaps it doesn't simply
end with sheep: no... i haven't been living under
a rock: in h'america i already know people
are cloning their pets...

ha ha: the doubly original sin... the original original sin
   the originally original sin!
exactly! that's what happens to the intellect
when the heavenly and the inactivity by purpose
meet: inactivity and inactivity meet
and create activity with a focus for "dasein"
with outcomes of: thank **** i'm not there...
  t.f.i.a.n.t.   (defiant)...

                            i'm just happy i returned to the purist
Tao of old... Heidegger muddled the waters
a little... but... i have to admit...
the narrative increased my ability to concentrate
with a greater focus to not concentrate:
the dialectic of paradoxes / contradictions.