Sep 2013
I've watched you struggle and I know not what demons you've been fighting against. and know only seems to matter after you've won or lost.
Jacob didn't know who he was wrestling with at first, he only knew he mustn't give up.
just like you.
don't give up.
The problem with the past and with secrets is that until we confront the truth and deal with it. and win against it, and banish the lies, we will always be hurt by it.
So here's the truth.
Growing up was hard, even hell. It's a miracle that anyone survived. There was egregious wrong, even evil and too few moments of joy or happiness. You had the first hand experience of it. I had the knowledge of it after. And to survive it, compromises were made: HAD to be made. Embracing the truth and letting it be known was too dangerous and difficult for children. So every one kept quiet. And then as children got older the instinctive habit stayed.
I marveled that you all didn't go mad. But I think you guys did, in your own way. Isn't repeating the same actions and expecting different results the definition of crazy?
If I have learned anything it's that desire alone to not become something does not prevent it from happening. I am my parents and their relationship every day until I mold healthy and better habits. I am the victim, the aggressor, the *****, and the bully.
Until I stop putting myself first.Being the one who does wrong or is wrong makes me into a monster.
And a victim is a helpless wronged one. Lets be honest, we're not helpless. We're not victims. We do this to ourselves.
I haven't been on speaking terms w/God even bore she died. I think the moment of greatest disconnect was when she claimed his as the reason for her destructive behavior. I knew God was not in this . But I still stepped away. Months later, when she was taken from me, I didn't blame God. part of me knows that this is going to be made into something good. And I know, that for this to happen means that he had to allow it.
But for me to admit that means that I have to admit she is gone. It means I have to embrace a world w/o her and embrace a God, who knew it would be this way. And I just can't let her go yet.
And I know that sound .crazy.
She's............. .
But I'm not ready for her to be gone. This is NOT my timing. And morever, since the diagnoses and break down, I have been waiting and hoping for the day that she would come back.
'Cause I lost her before I lost her to a sickness of the mind. And I just want her back. And now all I have her in is memories.
Now, I'm terrified that I'm going to lose You. But here's the thing. You are stronger than she was. She was sick, and unable to pull herself up.
You and I both knew that this was not her, that she would have never done this, not this way
and not to you.
She didn't **** herself to end the pain of the past. She killed herself to end the pain of the future.
She lost all hope.
And she caused us to lose hope.
But to not grab it back, would be worse than what she did.
We are stronger than our weakest moment.
And you are stronger than this.
Jacob didn't know who he was wrestling with at first, he only knew he mustn't give up.
just like you.
don't give up.
The problem with the past and with secrets is that until we confront the truth and deal with it. and win against it, and banish the lies, we will always be hurt by it.
So here's the truth.
Growing up was hard, even hell. It's a miracle that anyone survived. There was egregious wrong, even evil and too few moments of joy or happiness. You had the first hand experience of it. I had the knowledge of it after. And to survive it, compromises were made: HAD to be made. Embracing the truth and letting it be known was too dangerous and difficult for children. So every one kept quiet. And then as children got older the instinctive habit stayed.
I marveled that you all didn't go mad. But I think you guys did, in your own way. Isn't repeating the same actions and expecting different results the definition of crazy?
If I have learned anything it's that desire alone to not become something does not prevent it from happening. I am my parents and their relationship every day until I mold healthy and better habits. I am the victim, the aggressor, the *****, and the bully.
Until I stop putting myself first.Being the one who does wrong or is wrong makes me into a monster.
And a victim is a helpless wronged one. Lets be honest, we're not helpless. We're not victims. We do this to ourselves.
I haven't been on speaking terms w/God even bore she died. I think the moment of greatest disconnect was when she claimed his as the reason for her destructive behavior. I knew God was not in this . But I still stepped away. Months later, when she was taken from me, I didn't blame God. part of me knows that this is going to be made into something good. And I know, that for this to happen means that he had to allow it.
But for me to admit that means that I have to admit she is gone. It means I have to embrace a world w/o her and embrace a God, who knew it would be this way. And I just can't let her go yet.
And I know that sound .crazy.
She's............. .
But I'm not ready for her to be gone. This is NOT my timing. And morever, since the diagnoses and break down, I have been waiting and hoping for the day that she would come back.
'Cause I lost her before I lost her to a sickness of the mind. And I just want her back. And now all I have her in is memories.
Now, I'm terrified that I'm going to lose You. But here's the thing. You are stronger than she was. She was sick, and unable to pull herself up.
You and I both knew that this was not her, that she would have never done this, not this way
and not to you.
She didn't **** herself to end the pain of the past. She killed herself to end the pain of the future.
She lost all hope.
And she caused us to lose hope.
But to not grab it back, would be worse than what she did.
We are stronger than our weakest moment.
And you are stronger than this.
