Sep 2013
I'm done! Overdone! BURNT TO A CRISP!
I am so sick of people looking THROUGH ME!
I spend all day…every single day… attending to the needs of others! Work demands...there's always a fire to put out, 250 people to deal with, each having his/her own special 'need' or demand that must be met, no matter what.
"Nita, I need this information now!"
"Nita, they don't understand, they take advantage of me, I need your support."
"Nita, I realize this isn't much time, but can you pull this together by Friday?"
"Nita, I understand they made a mistake, but can you just correct it?"
"Nita, can you please do 'this' for me, my child is sick, I received some bad news, I just need a favor, you're the 'favorite' - he listens to you....." and on and on and on...
Then home demands...get the kids up, clean the house, do the laundry…and on and on it goes…
After work: dinner, walk and feed the dog, do the dishes…and on and on it goes…
"Mom, can I have some ketchup."
"Mom, can I have some more milk."
"Mom, can you help me find my toothbrush"
"mom, can you...mom, can you...mom, can you..."
Friends need consoling, flowers need watering, dog needs petting, kids need tucked in, husband needs attention...I need a DRINK!
No one ever asks how "Nita" is doing.
No one says, "How was your day, Nita?"
No one says, "Do you want to talk about it?"
Just ignore me, as though I'm no longer here.
Dear husband goes to bed, falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, while I stay up, take ativan after ativan...wash down with a glass or two of wine...just pray for it to END! All of it!
My chest is constricted, my breathing is shallow - I HURT ALL OVER! I'm exhausted but cannot sleep. Does anyone even notice? No...
Last night, took pills, tried to **** the pain, the voices, the hopelessness...I picked up yet another glass of wine, looked at it and a fleeting thought told me that I probably shouldn't drink it - that I had taken too many ativan, that it probably wouldn't be good...but I didn't even care. I just needed PEACE & QUIET!
From the outside world, and the inside turmoil. I woke up at 3am, outside on the swing...did anyone come to check on Nita? No - because no one cares, that's why.
I've known since I was 5 years old that I was born to serve others. My needs don't matter...most days I try to forget that I even have needs. Of course, thank you therapist for reminding me that it's "okay" to feel, and to have needs…because that actually hurts even worse! Actually feeling "needy" for a minute but no one gives a ****!
I want to disappear. I want to cease to exist. I want OUT of this "Contract"...I need to know what the rights of termination are!
Because I'm DONE!
FINISHED!
Je suis fait!
Sono Fatto!
Estoy hecho!
Ich bin fertig!
and...in the white trash language I grew up with:
F$%K IT! I'm finished!
It doesn't even matter anymore…In fact, it never did!
I never mattered, I am worth nothing....that's the way it's always been, that's the way it is now, and how it will always be...if there's nothing to look forward to in the future, but more of the same, I say, why bother?
No one would notice my absence....well, until they needed something.
There's no "life worth living"! It doesn't exist! Face it, Nita, your father f$%ked you up beyond repair! Throw me out with last week's leftovers! I can't do it anymore!
I am so sick of people looking THROUGH ME!
I spend all day…every single day… attending to the needs of others! Work demands...there's always a fire to put out, 250 people to deal with, each having his/her own special 'need' or demand that must be met, no matter what.
"Nita, I need this information now!"
"Nita, they don't understand, they take advantage of me, I need your support."
"Nita, I realize this isn't much time, but can you pull this together by Friday?"
"Nita, I understand they made a mistake, but can you just correct it?"
"Nita, can you please do 'this' for me, my child is sick, I received some bad news, I just need a favor, you're the 'favorite' - he listens to you....." and on and on and on...
Then home demands...get the kids up, clean the house, do the laundry…and on and on it goes…
After work: dinner, walk and feed the dog, do the dishes…and on and on it goes…
"Mom, can I have some ketchup."
"Mom, can I have some more milk."
"Mom, can you help me find my toothbrush"
"mom, can you...mom, can you...mom, can you..."
Friends need consoling, flowers need watering, dog needs petting, kids need tucked in, husband needs attention...I need a DRINK!
No one ever asks how "Nita" is doing.
No one says, "How was your day, Nita?"
No one says, "Do you want to talk about it?"
Just ignore me, as though I'm no longer here.
Dear husband goes to bed, falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, while I stay up, take ativan after ativan...wash down with a glass or two of wine...just pray for it to END! All of it!
My chest is constricted, my breathing is shallow - I HURT ALL OVER! I'm exhausted but cannot sleep. Does anyone even notice? No...
Last night, took pills, tried to **** the pain, the voices, the hopelessness...I picked up yet another glass of wine, looked at it and a fleeting thought told me that I probably shouldn't drink it - that I had taken too many ativan, that it probably wouldn't be good...but I didn't even care. I just needed PEACE & QUIET!
From the outside world, and the inside turmoil. I woke up at 3am, outside on the swing...did anyone come to check on Nita? No - because no one cares, that's why.
I've known since I was 5 years old that I was born to serve others. My needs don't matter...most days I try to forget that I even have needs. Of course, thank you therapist for reminding me that it's "okay" to feel, and to have needs…because that actually hurts even worse! Actually feeling "needy" for a minute but no one gives a ****!
I want to disappear. I want to cease to exist. I want OUT of this "Contract"...I need to know what the rights of termination are!
Because I'm DONE!
FINISHED!
Je suis fait!
Sono Fatto!
Estoy hecho!
Ich bin fertig!
and...in the white trash language I grew up with:
F$%K IT! I'm finished!
It doesn't even matter anymore…In fact, it never did!
I never mattered, I am worth nothing....that's the way it's always been, that's the way it is now, and how it will always be...if there's nothing to look forward to in the future, but more of the same, I say, why bother?
No one would notice my absence....well, until they needed something.
There's no "life worth living"! It doesn't exist! Face it, Nita, your father f$%ked you up beyond repair! Throw me out with last week's leftovers! I can't do it anymore!
