Mar 2022
I remember parts of my childhood,
Like how I could learn everything in my lessons fast & wanted to learn the entire book instead of stopping at the days lesson.
I remember realizing I liked listening to music because the world was so loud, I carried a CD player when I’d go grocery shopping with my parents.
I memorized everything, I could almost watch entire movies in my head my mother would tell me later that I was always zoned out.
I remember the screaming, arguments over bills and previous girlfriends or boyfriends my parents had before they got married.
Which is why I liked watching movies with the tv turned up loud, or having those cheap over the ear headphones on and my CD player.
I was 5.
By the time I was 12 I had been to more funerals of people I didn’t really know,
During this time I would have nightmares about a man wrapped in barbed wire thrown from a car, that was my uncle who died drunk cruising with his friends (this was actually my very first memory)
or the blood on the tree and in the sand. The police lights illuminating the night sky of my grandmothers house, one of the family members that lived in the house next to my grandmothers had killed the other, again drinking led to a stabbing.
Not to mention that the guy that got stabbed his wife ended up drinking herself to death too,
My last memory of her being alive was seeing her with yellow skin and eyes running into the target bathroom and throwing up in the first stall, to this day I still don’t even go near that stall.
Their kids, now orphans came to live with us.
That was another horror show in of itself.
They were demented kids, perverted and sexually abused.
The oldest boy actually sexually abused me in the back room and in my room of my once safe home, it happened a total of 17 times.
We’d go to the therapist every week for them and I’d read the pamphlets.
I even tried asking for help from my mother and even that therapist,
They all laughed and made me feel like I was crazy because kids don’t do those things to other kids.
So I learned to live with a mask,
Eventually those kids all left to be with their family who finally realized that if they claim kids they get more back on their tax returns.
When they left it should’ve been a relief,
It wasn’t.
Once again I tried to tell my mother what I went through,
I was hollow inside I didn’t know how to feel anymore I needed help…
She brushed me off and said nothing was wrong with me that I was fine.
Little did she know that i probably would’ve been a better person if she’d just listened and got me the help I needed.
Because ever since the childhood I never had, which what I’m writing is the only things I can remember the rest is a blur I just know it hurt alot,
I have never known what happiness or even any feeling other than anger or resentment felt like.
Honestly I still don’t.
Like how I could learn everything in my lessons fast & wanted to learn the entire book instead of stopping at the days lesson.
I remember realizing I liked listening to music because the world was so loud, I carried a CD player when I’d go grocery shopping with my parents.
I memorized everything, I could almost watch entire movies in my head my mother would tell me later that I was always zoned out.
I remember the screaming, arguments over bills and previous girlfriends or boyfriends my parents had before they got married.
Which is why I liked watching movies with the tv turned up loud, or having those cheap over the ear headphones on and my CD player.
I was 5.
By the time I was 12 I had been to more funerals of people I didn’t really know,
During this time I would have nightmares about a man wrapped in barbed wire thrown from a car, that was my uncle who died drunk cruising with his friends (this was actually my very first memory)
or the blood on the tree and in the sand. The police lights illuminating the night sky of my grandmothers house, one of the family members that lived in the house next to my grandmothers had killed the other, again drinking led to a stabbing.
Not to mention that the guy that got stabbed his wife ended up drinking herself to death too,
My last memory of her being alive was seeing her with yellow skin and eyes running into the target bathroom and throwing up in the first stall, to this day I still don’t even go near that stall.
Their kids, now orphans came to live with us.
That was another horror show in of itself.
They were demented kids, perverted and sexually abused.
The oldest boy actually sexually abused me in the back room and in my room of my once safe home, it happened a total of 17 times.
We’d go to the therapist every week for them and I’d read the pamphlets.
I even tried asking for help from my mother and even that therapist,
They all laughed and made me feel like I was crazy because kids don’t do those things to other kids.
So I learned to live with a mask,
Eventually those kids all left to be with their family who finally realized that if they claim kids they get more back on their tax returns.
When they left it should’ve been a relief,
It wasn’t.
Once again I tried to tell my mother what I went through,
I was hollow inside I didn’t know how to feel anymore I needed help…
She brushed me off and said nothing was wrong with me that I was fine.
Little did she know that i probably would’ve been a better person if she’d just listened and got me the help I needed.
Because ever since the childhood I never had, which what I’m writing is the only things I can remember the rest is a blur I just know it hurt alot,
I have never known what happiness or even any feeling other than anger or resentment felt like.
Honestly I still don’t.
