I want to sleep, but at the same time, I don't want to. I want to be engulfed in empty headspace, swimming in the darkness of a dreamless void, but at the same time, I don't want to spiral deeper into the unforeseeable nor remain stagnant in desolation because I know that the longer I stay here I would no longer want to leave.
I want to sleep, but at the same time, I don't want to. I want to drown all these voices belonging to my insufferable demons, their eerie whispers seeping through every crevice of my mind, but at the same time, I don't want to feel the fear that comes once I wake and when I open my eyes again because realization would often dawn on me that every single one of them is here in the real world, too, only, I can see them now and it horrifies me to my very core that they each hold the face of somebody I love.
I want to sleep, but at the same time, I don't want to. I want to bask in the deafening silence that welcomes me when my eyes are closed and my mind with the hurricane of my thoughts are just put on hold, but at the same time, I don't want to, because I know all too well that this peace I am granted whenever my mind is shut down is only ephemeral and I'll always be forced out of it, a never-ending loop, a vicious cycle, and I am a fool for thinking that every time I wake, it would be different.