Sep 2013
I accept that it will happen...the only unanswered question is "when"...
I’ve known for some time now that I am going to die of an accidental drug overdose.
That said, I am not actively planning to end my life.
I have in the past, but that is not the case right now.
I say that because every night when the excruciating pain becomes too much
And there is no one internally able to cope with the agony,
The alcohol flows, along with the anti-anxiety and sleeping meds…
And then the razors pierce my skin in an effort to obtain the ‘unattainable’
…relief from the pain.
I don’t have a great feeling of fear about how my life will end.
We all have to “die” right?
Everything and everyone has an expiration date.
I don’t want to die right now, I don’t.
But at night, when I am no longer in charge,
It is no longer my choice.
At night, she will try to reach out,
To make contact with someone safe…
But there will be no one.
Friends will be asleep,
Therapist will not answer after 10,
And she will NOT EVER reach out to a stranger
…no 911, or hotline for us!
She will never talk to a stranger about any of this!
I have shared these thoughts with a couple of close friends
As well as the therapist…
But no one seems overly concerned about it.
Maybe they accept it as our fate too.
Perhaps they realize there is nothing anyone can do to interfere with ‘fate’.
So there should be no surprise when it does happen.
So I should accept that suicidal thoughts
And my ultimate fate of demise just “is”.
Much like other things in life…it just is.
So whether it be tonight, or next week, or next month…
Or whenever…
That’s how it will end for me.
I will become another victim of accidental overdose,
Just like Marilyn Monroe, just like Anna Nicole Smith…
I’ve always known this to be my "future",
And somehow we find comfort in knowing that someday the pain will end and there will be peace.
Just a fact.
It’s pointless to try to continue to outrun it...
It is my fate.
It will happen.
I accept it.
The only unanswered question is “when”?
I’ve known for some time now that I am going to die of an accidental drug overdose.
That said, I am not actively planning to end my life.
I have in the past, but that is not the case right now.
I say that because every night when the excruciating pain becomes too much
And there is no one internally able to cope with the agony,
The alcohol flows, along with the anti-anxiety and sleeping meds…
And then the razors pierce my skin in an effort to obtain the ‘unattainable’
…relief from the pain.
I don’t have a great feeling of fear about how my life will end.
We all have to “die” right?
Everything and everyone has an expiration date.
I don’t want to die right now, I don’t.
But at night, when I am no longer in charge,
It is no longer my choice.
At night, she will try to reach out,
To make contact with someone safe…
But there will be no one.
Friends will be asleep,
Therapist will not answer after 10,
And she will NOT EVER reach out to a stranger
…no 911, or hotline for us!
She will never talk to a stranger about any of this!
I have shared these thoughts with a couple of close friends
As well as the therapist…
But no one seems overly concerned about it.
Maybe they accept it as our fate too.
Perhaps they realize there is nothing anyone can do to interfere with ‘fate’.
So there should be no surprise when it does happen.
So I should accept that suicidal thoughts
And my ultimate fate of demise just “is”.
Much like other things in life…it just is.
So whether it be tonight, or next week, or next month…
Or whenever…
That’s how it will end for me.
I will become another victim of accidental overdose,
Just like Marilyn Monroe, just like Anna Nicole Smith…
I’ve always known this to be my "future",
And somehow we find comfort in knowing that someday the pain will end and there will be peace.
Just a fact.
It’s pointless to try to continue to outrun it...
It is my fate.
It will happen.
I accept it.
The only unanswered question is “when”?
