title: hoop
body:
s'ah ah lah
habit: all?
ah...                                   as 502 bad gateway hacks go...

mein gott, she finally replied, it only took her days
to stomach my predicament,
like i predicted, on Wednesday she goes to see
a councilor... female issues...
former abusive relationships...
                   how is she going to wriggle out of her
current predicament?
she created this mess and as i asked her:
i hope you didn't find it malicious of me by simply
waiting to get the full picture...
i won't let her wriggle out so easily...
- so we're to never talk again, ever, ever again?
look at her now... changing her profile picture
almost every single day on WhatsApp...
make-up on, hair done all wavy, pretty...
very poignant yet almost dreamy eyes...
first it was always her with her son in the picture...
then just her.... then she with her dog...
then an old picture of her and a female friend
that committed suicide...
and now this one...
   i still think that this cold i've built up...
stuffy nose... harking up phlegm, sore throat...
is a love-sickness...
and those flowers i dropped round her house
with the card... i didn't buy them because i felt
i did anything wrong:
i can't remember the last time i bought a girl
flowers for Valentine's Day...
i don't feel like ******* i don't feel like
going to the brothel...
i had to wait until 12pm to leave the house
having done some clothes washing and putting them
on the washing-lines in the garden...
she replied... she replied... those ******* butterflies
again... go out after 12pm... buy the newspaper
and a bottle of cider... walk around the labyrinth
of English outer-suburban streets in the sunshine...
i still haven't read the message...
i'm gearing up to reading it with two shy whiskeys...
i need to drown these butterflies...
no... wait... i remember the last time i bought
a girl butterflies for Valentine's Day...
at least two occasions...
but one more poignant than the other...
Janina... high-school...
    when i was still a chubby kid... i remember
the ridicule quiet clearly...
then i lost all the weight and... the tables turned...
she made me ridiculous for having sketched her...
anyway... love like an artist... think like a kid...
i'm too old for this ****...
then again: i'm so happy that throughout
my 20s and 30s i haven't been in long relationships:
none at all... i still retain all that hormonal bollocking
you feel when attracted to someone...
look at me... aged 35 and i'm playing
a game of fantasy of love...
            nothing has soured in the purity of my
approach... the girls in my current work
environment just played each other...
i was being perfectly honest... i was the Pontius Pilate
of the situation... i washed my hands
clean of what they were doing to each other...
clearly a scene from a harem...
women are their their own worst enemy...
all the lads in the group were like:
when will this ******* drama end... we're tired
of hearing about it...
- and i have absolutely nothing poetic to add...
i'm just spewing language left right and centre -
there might a occur a breakthrough of brilliance
but i'm still nothing more than
a nervous wreck enthroned surrounded
by either a lake of acid of my stomach
or by lake of bile of my liver...
              now to drink just enough to sooth the nerves,
read her message... reply in the most cordial:
most charming of ways, to sooth this shy doe...
for heaven's sake she actually went to the hairdresser
to take a new profile picture for WhatsApp...
that councillor must have really convinced her
that i have some pretty good intentions...
i saw her only last Friday... making food for
her son in the kitchen... dancing, smiling, giggling,
singing... she looked like was was 16...
that must have left an indentation upon her that
she can't let go off... well... here's my snare...
my charm offensive has reached a second phase...
in the back of my mind: though...
she threw a knife at her ex...
   ooh... but it's just too exciting to give that sort
of woman a pass...
my madness will meet her madness head-on...
i'll probably start crying when i bring
a Vaughan Williams' vinyl to her house
and break into... "petulance": but i don't imply
childishly sulky or bad-tempered...
petulance: in this case is a misnomer...
i was thinking of penitent when i wrote down
petulant...
how will i ever get over her...
                      whirlwind of a red head... and it's
that sort of red that's...
well it's a mixture...
    dark walnut, red mahogany,
   special walnut... burgundy...
                          ha ha... last Friday... she even said:
you could sell this wine...
yeah... i could... but i put so much effort into making
it... i wouldn't want to...
she finished her third glass...
how that glass whirled in her hand...
she was spinning it round and round by its leg
like: no... she wasn't aware of her behaviour...
that's why i was there, to notice it...
i better make this reply a master-class in seduction...
remember... she's a coy doe...
increase the ****** tension... even try to friend-zone
her... but make sure you increase the ******
tension... she's going to be the one making
the first move... she will insufferable...
she needs to feel insufferable... let the cougar
pounce... next time you meet... insinuate a meeting
of hands... when parting do like you already did...
say goodbye to her twice...
actually kissing her cheek...
   keep that eye-contact till it feels like she's
burning...
ask her if she liked the flowers you dropped
off at Valentine's Day...
                                i don't care if she has a kid...
there are no other options exactly: made available...
but... i'm tired of all the cool-&-calm
objectivity *** with prostitutes...
i need to feel this... this is all, after all: primarily
for me...
not unless she "asks"... i will not cross the boundaries
to merely have: "fun"...
the more tension i create the better i'll feel
for having felt anything remotely akin to this
as a reminder of being hormonally charged as a teenager...
more tension... more... more... more...
now... to read her message...
    well: good luck to me... just minutes later she
changed her profile picture once more...
now she appears less serious... almost smiling...
play the ******* game Matt... play the game.