I feel my ADHD was a mental defect from birth
but was triggered down to never settling
or staying in one place and never fitting in Life.
I hate moving house.
I crave things to stay the same for a very long while.
As a kid I moved to a lot of different places
and never really could ever see it as my home
where I truly belong.        
                                      
I feel ADHD is a mental defect
where you don't really feel you ever fit in.
Even with the way I looked
I didn't feel or look right to other girls
I felt like an alien compared to them in my class.  
I felt inferior to them
with low self confidence in my body image.

I never even fit in when it came to the work place
and chasing my career path.
I got taught many courses and skills
I did quite well and always tried my hardest  
I was never really was what they were looking for in an interview
I never got any progression to any of the next stages
I felt always rejected!
I was covering the same ground
when really I just wanted to move forward
and follow my dreams.    
      
Relationships were even more confusing and awkward for me
when I thought I was the guy main priority
and I was just second or third on a list  
I hate that feeling!
I don't like being treated as second and third best
as I won't settle for anything less.     
                                               
All these confusions along with suffering trauma
and alcohol abuse bound to take its toll on me
even now I'm living with confusion
I'm working with a lot of people to give Sophie Rose a good life having to deal with lots of different personalities and names of people which can be difficult to remember.

I like the idea of support but don't like too many people involved in mine and Sophie life down to Sophie mental health
as one day this will create more questions for her
and make her grow up confused and unstable.
I want her to have a normal life mine and my partners life it might be just a bit too late for us both
but she's young and she's a clean slate and got her life ahead of her.

However I will be able to help her as I been through
rough patches in life so will be best to guide her
and make sure she makes the right decisions
so she can be a success and not a life loser which I was heading towards at one point. I'm redeeming myself for all those bad choices I made in my early 20s by being the best mummy I can be and being a good person I can be to support my friends, partner and family.

People working with me keep mentioning about moving house and it will be a while before this happens as I feel the area I live in is great and be good for Sophie to feel she has got a home that she feels she fits in and a family that loves her dearly and wants the best for her.

I never really always got that feeling myself when growing up
I really do want the best for my daughter.
That way she will grow up stable, happy and full of life then I know I'm not a failure and tried my absolute best to change and better my life to help her life and be the best mother regardless of all the bad things that have happened to me and my partner there is always something to be blessed for.

I feel lucky to have finally met the right man, have a beautiful daughter and have a great support network and family which have been keeping me strong through all this.