i am in love with all of this
i am in love with the sadness
and the shortness of breath
and the panicking
and i am in love with the cuts
and burns
all in little straight lines
down my arms
legs
hips
i am in love
with the way i can swallow a meal
and bring it up an hour later
and the way i can take a painkiller
(or thirty-five)
and keep them down
and not be sure
whether i'm high off of pills
or off of my own sadness in the air.

i do not know what love is.