It has been a whole decade since 2012
the year that I will always remember;
not for the mad claims that the world would end,
for me it near enough did well in my head
and rather fill me with dread and fear,  
I stopped sleeping so well at night,
I would get horrible frights.
This was the year things went wrong;
I was so young at the time only 21 and I had just suffered ****** abuse for the first time; I was in denial, angry and confused for such a long time;
I started being a heavy alcohol drinker,
to help me to forget the horror and sleep at night;
it never really helped and the dreams
were too vivid and real to erase.  
I was running away from my problems,
at the same time felt trapped and no where else to go.
I almost failed my degree that year I was given
another chance to redeem myself
and graduated with a decent 2.2 in 2013
the damage had already begun.

However other than graduating Uni there
was some positivity in 2012.  
I met some great creative people who really opened my heart
to new experiences started doing poetry open mic
I met my now soul mate for the first time
we didn't connect romantically to begin with
we did both exchanged smiles
and have now been together for 4 years
with a 3 year old child;
we didn't connect for a good while after 2012:
we did find each other again  on social media
and the love from there has really grown:
before this could all happen
someone else came into my life first,
the guy was a troubled soul and we weren't
the best for each other pushing each other
often on the wrong path
we were better as good friends
and that's what me and him should have been
we were always having a laugh;
he loved to play drums,
I love to write but I loved listening to music too
I wanted his band to do well and play gigs
taking an active interest and filming their band practices.  
Things got in the way and took an u turn for the worst
and didn't go always go as planned,
with not knowing what to do next  
he just took the destructive path
same as me as I didn't know where I was
going with my life  anymore too.

I was struggling to find a job;
no one would give me that chance;
in an job interview I was socially awkward
and different to a lot of other people;
I was confused where I
would fit in the workplace.
I had some identity and trauma issues
which had clouded my judgement
and were affecting my logical thinking
at the time; now in the last 10 years
my thinking has been much more clear
down to quitting alcohol, finding my soul mate
and being a mum to Sophie and I'm now on the ADHD meds
which I wished I had been on sooner as they really
help to improve my life every day for the better
things have equally been a lot harder.  

I have finally sorted out my ****** trauma
and no longer running away in denial
instead confronted the man that did it to me
and removed him out of my life forever
the bad memories no longer controls my life.
I can now sleep a bit better at night.  
Sleep is something I am having to work on
but I am getting a bit better at it every day  

I worked out some of my identity issues in my head too
and accepting as difficult as things can be
that things are what they are  but I have
the moral support I need.

I have no idea of any career path yet,
just working towards my life calling and goal of
being the best mummy I can be and
learning my life skills, budgeting, cooking poetry, coloring  
and singing for the time being.

I'm sure there would be work out there foe me  
with the right support and encouragement in place
when I can finally figure it all out in my head
for now I'm really happy the way things are.


I've given up alcohol, sugary drinks and coffee  
and now eating and drinking more healthily too.  
Dispite having health issues over the last 2 years,
with my cyst and having to go
for a op for pre cancer treatment.  
I told everyone it was never anyone's fault
even those partially that felt guilty and responsible
a lot of these were just my bad choices in life.  
I have to accept some responsibility
and live with some of the consequences.

I can say now I am recovering and will get better again
the main thing is I can tell everyone that
I'm a survivor and doing the best I can.

I still have lots of passion in me
I can tell my tale and want to help people
that have gone through this kind of hell.

I  am me and now free from
the curse which was 2012.