what a mismatch, i'm currently sitting on a wheeled chair
from the box / office room of the house...
it's much taller... the keyboard is sitting on my
bedside table: much shorter...
to what i'm used to... a comfortable leather chair
that's below the side table the keyboard is usually
placed on... i'm almost double hunched over...
perhaps i should think about sitting on the floor
in a Turkish akimbo... or kneeling...
my elbows are firmly rooted into my legs
as i try to get some balance... my legs are spread out
so they don't slide about on the wooden floor...
woke up late, had some things to discuss with
someone... i guess i sleep longer hours
when i know i have a peace of mind...
might have gone to bed at 4am... woke up at 12pm...

i didn't start doing **** well until... after 8pm...
proper... i.e. painting the ceiling all white...
with a flashlight...
how else would you paint white on white
during the winter months if not using a flashlight?
why? to see which areas are wet...
and which areas are dry...
the normal lightning was turned on...
sure... but it doesn't give you the required
perspective...

**** VALSPAR! complete and utter...
überscheiße!
what the hell was i painting with?
balsamic vinegar... a mixture of ***** and milk?!
splattering everywhere...
usually decorative paint is reminiscent of
custard... it doesn't stink...
this stuff was splattering everywhere...
i ended up cleaning dots of drool almost every
second stroke...
oddly enough i had some left-over VALSPAR
in the shed... someone should do a quality control
on this company... their older product is perfect
for ceiling decorative painting...

well... ****** of a light in the ceiling...
i rarely turn it on... if i lose something...
the crackling was creaking...
it was found to happen...
****! the ceiling light blew out the fuse...
down i go... to switch the fuse box on...
seems like i don't need a flashlight
to spot the wet paint anymore..
when i turned my bedside lamp:
in a cloche... apparently dry paint casts a shadow...
wet paint... doesn't: wet paint absorbs the light...
but old, dry, paint... even if it's white on white?
as clear as day...

it took me about an hour and a half to "horde" out
my possessions from the bedroom to the box / office
room... as i was taking the books out,
piling them on the floor, memorising how they were
ordered... no, not alphabetically,
my own idiosyncratic system, i won't go into the details...
but i asked myself: why do i own so many books?!
come to think of it, what's the point
of owning so many books one has already read?

i already have a project in mind...
i'll take a ruler... measure each line... measure each
paragraph, measure each page,
then multiply each page by the number of pages...
i want to know what the "metaphysics"
looks like... of reading a... 1000+ page stunner...
when compared to... walking a marathon...
or cycling for 40 miles..
after all.. Heidegger's Sein und Zeit (on and off)
took me about 2 years to complete:
an amalgamation of reading and thinking...
then years later: putting dasein into practice...
the right sort of dasein...
stewarding a football match...
it takes time... oh ****... the wine i started making
almost 2 months ago...
i checked up on it...
looking good... a nice rosé:
a pink resembling something akin to
embarrassment...

so many books... it almost feels like a Roman Polanski
film: the Ninth Gate... i don't care
about the personal tribulations...
i appreciate the work... a film for any bibliophile out
there... Kevin Spacey to boot...
come on... who can't side with Lester Burnham?
a much more invested role than that portrayed
by Michael Douglas in Falling Down...

i own so many books that... to be frank?
my local Romford library ought to be shamed...
ashamed... they own trivial stuff:
i, on the other hand: own the juice...
****'s sake... i own books from the 19th century!
funny side-note...
the older the books are... even though they might
have hard-covers... they become lighter
than... fresher print... perhaps the ink dries out...
the paper dries out...
or... perhaps the knowledge contained in them
weighs more...

two pristine examples...

1. desiderii erasmi
      roterodami
    colloquia familiaria
   et encomium moriae
LIPSIAE
sumtibus et typis car. tauchnitii
  1829

it has become such a fragile piece of work...
why? the binding has gone to ****
since i wanted to read it... in Latin...
i did likewise with a 19th century first cheap edition
of Dickens' the Pickwick papers...
the binding gave way.... because i was reading it...
i had to buy a cheap paperback edition
to: not finish reading it...
last time i heard: you can't reread the Pickwick Papers...
great... i don't reread books...
if some critique suggests that rereading is impossible...
finishing the first Dickens novel serialisation
should be a problem... also circa the 1800s...

2. the beauties of Sterne
(and some accounts of his life)
London: printed for J. Walker... 1811...
W. Wilson, printer,  st. john's sq., London...

3. the rubaiyat of omar khayyam..
   printed by chiswick press ltd.
  new soughgate, N11... 1944...

i have some cheap *** edition of a Rumi collection...
now... that's Islam... that's the sort of humanity
i admire... transcendental, clenching for the universal quest...
together, or not at all...

like with the current advent of superhero movies...
comic books translated into the medium
of movies...
i could do with just one, simply based on the soundtrack...
Unbreakable... that's it... i'm done...
well... with one exception...
X-Men Apocalypse...
hearing a ****** accent being lent...
it's kind of refreshing to not hear...
EVIL GENUIS RUSSIAN
or... FOREVER **** GERMAN /
RESURRECTED WEIMAR TRANSGENDER ******
ADDICT PUFFED-RICE...

my own private library would put the local library to shame!
out from the supposed night of socialism...
within the confines of capitalism....
ah... a private affair... private ownership...
but now that i've emptied the room
from my gems, these books... some newspaper pages
i use like i wouldn't use toilet paper...
because i like to keep my bed-sheets clean...
it's so... empty... the room is really readied for
showcasing the property for a sale...
weird... it's almost like i wasn't even there...

oh, by the way... X-Men Apocalypse...
last time i heard... Julian Tuwim was a Jew...
but he spoke perfecto ******...
perhaps knew some Judeo-German Yiddish slang...
too bad for the Hebs that integrated too much:
too little... the Holocaust is minded within the context
of a re-established Jewish-State...
no... they were living in Paul's Land...
they were Polacks first, Jews: second...
i'm going to rob these refresher... revisionist pseudo-historians
of their weight of argument...
****** citizenry.... poets, engineers...

first comes first, second... comes second...
**** me... what wild thoughts... when simply panting & decorating...
tomorrow when i finish the walls in green...
second time, green... i tried crimson "tide" several times...
a welcoming colour on the walls...
once the night comes... but not during
the day...
i tried white... thinking... what could go wrong....
cream: white room... almost everything...
i woke up each morning... exhausted!

this now emptied room, with all the books, the vinyl records,
the paintings hanging on the walls... "missing"
(just moved to the box room):
i like to appreciate the space i will leave behind,
i like to appreciate the then, the when, some variation
of now of a when: of my mortality...
i might be drinking, i might be drunk...
but... this spectacle is sobering... ha!
i don't require a lineage prestige... ooh dear gwandpa...
blah blah to explain RE-AH-LI-TY for me...

clenched teeth... some things are just looking at
you...
as a man... working my way around inanimate objects
was a compensation for...
the inanimate earth, supposedly...
but the animation of clouds!

- the first paycheck i get.... i'm ******* off to a brothel
period....
and while painting the walls of my bedroom
green, like the colour of my iris ...
i'll think of "you"...
and i'll count the number of books in
my private collection, and...
i'll bemoan the state of the public library's choice
of literature... i suppose i''ll giggle a while...

i now see, my absence in this world, prophetically
ascribed to Yeats..
the centre cannot hold..
vanity conquers pride...
should i return... my lesson was not learned?
i've devolved from PRIDE...
but acquired.... like the rest of "them":
submission to vanity!

you wanted an equal among equals...
where did that leave you?
i will not be part of your choir!
you should have kept me sleeping...
don't burden the light
with too many cognitive shadows!
as much as i adore the plethora of dis-inhibitions
of doubt presented by man

i will watch... regardless of your tirades...
dearest... man-quasi-woman /
woman-pseudo-man... deity...

i'm tired of writing, therefore..
such a a day is closele approaching;
these people are not my project...
you supposedly left them...
hanging on a crucifix...
     i will leave them: in the night...
guiding their shadows....
to... i hope... a reclamation of their
own bodies... do you even want
to concern yourself with a repeasted
care for them?
personally? i wouldn't...
leave them to their own devices...
if you supposedly gave them free-will..
let them express it...
however good, or however bad...
let these children have their freedom!

there was only one proof worth being given:
once, is enough... i inquired after you...
don't allow yourself to rekindle your with
the same caring you showcased the first time...
filthy, firsty... thirsty..

yes, i will paint the walls, somewhat green....
enough's enough...
i knelt for much too long....
i'm willingly becoking ...
tired... the world can leave traces
of a roman empire..
easy excess ****.... easy access ****....
a sort of Orwellian: oh well...
a sort of oops...
      a best sort of:
a time (i) ought to forget.