one more breath cycle and sleep will claim me
i lie to myself and press against the mattress
but nothing lulls me
and i'm left with my thoughts
rolling and sticking
coiled trip hazards
slippery and i'm caught in the net
forced to sift through carcasses
gutting myself with a barnacle-hugged blade
at this point i'm destructive
no talking me down from the crow's nest
i'm battering against the logic and softness
of his back, his sleepy sighs
desperate to be asked to stay
more sure that i'll leave
the comfort of this bed
i'm saltwater savage
unrelenting with rage winds guiding
my push and pull
too far too much too little too late
uncontrollable, frantic hands can't hold me
i'm wild and free and frozen by my shortcomings
lazy
and bucking wildly against the confines of a label
tears sleuce
and i gasp for breath
this sofa offers no safe passage through the night
my journey goes far beyond and I'm scared to land ashore
not trusting my own soul
to harbour my teacup heart's latest storm
carried in on rising moon and ebbing hormones
there's no solace in the tug and slip of the tide
against a shoreline I've willingly left
in the dark, glasses pushed to my nose
laptop in hand
to hide behind manufactured light
instead of basking in his glory
fraudulent, a failure
but he's far too forgiving
and tomorrow he'll welcome me back
in the hopes my demons have returned
to the depths for the moment