I keep thinking I did something wrong
But I'm trying so hard.
The internal stuggle to follow my heart keeps howling at me snapping, bitting from the inside
They keep calling, a computer- to tell me my bills are past due.
Where am I suppose to get this money? I've been applying and crying. Dipping into my savings to patch up the glue.
I'm grateful for my loans, I'm looking for work, I say.
I can't go back and wait tables my education will be thrown away, I scream but its never heard:
"Congraduations with your opportunities but you do not qualify for this or that"
An empty good luck as they turn their back.
On the brink, I'm going to sink, the flood, Im drowning...consuming this fire
That's been forcing me afloat.
I want just to let go. I want to hide when I find out He can't even stand by myside.
I'm terrified. I'm worried to the point I sob. Wiping away my tears, shaking my fears.. With no one to help.
I am alone.
I'm trying so hard, I jump up at night. I push the voices out of my head that wake me up from debts and evils unsaid.
Why did I want to grown up so fast when now in my age I'm nostalgic for my past
Oh youth and promise of tomorrow.
A brave face for a little girl looking to take on the world of green and the red
Of past dues and credit scores, the negative sign in my bank account... The whites of my eyes just red.
All my hopes and yet, I'm so sad.
at least at the end of this poem, it's not all held in, everything that's killing me, everything I'm chain smoking away. It's out and open.
It's alive in me and in you alive enough I will push through.