I am so completely aware of the fact that I have a voice
and so completely afraid to use it because
of what I might say. Because I have a lot to say.
I might say things like I'm not
okay. I might say things like I'm lost and I don't know what
i'm doing, I'm scared and I'm sad, and I'm selfish too. I might
say things like trying to be a better person is hard and
exhausting and sometimes giving up is as tempting as
failing a final exam out of sheer indifference because you know
someone is going to do better than you anyway. I might say things
about being a woman, and how it's so easy to remain silent
in this society, how easy it is to pretend like you don't have an
opinion, you don't have a voice, how easy it is to believe
that you're just an object for men to look at and call you
****, that you're a threat to other women because they're too insecure
to realize that they are your sisters and that sisters should be sticking
together, not mocking or criticizing each other
when the other isn't listening.
I might say things about how sometimes I wonder why
I was brought into this world, because it's cold and it's violent
and it's difficult and it revolves around money. And money is scary
and intimidating because it will never bring anyone happiness and yet
it is the one thing that everyone wishes they had more of. The one thing
that nobody has enough of.
Enough.
I want to feel good enough.
I want to wake up in the morning and feel proud to be a woman,
I want to stop seeing and treating myself as if I am an object,
I want to look into the mirror and have oceans of self respect
pour out of my eyes and nourish my heart.  
I want to be able to walk through a mall or browse social media networks
without being bombarded by images of the latest female pop star
who is making the current female generation look like
self degrading cheap *** objects whose primary purpose
is to please males acting as a an open welcome sign blank canvas
for humiliating labels and comments and
spreading shame as if it were a highly contagious disease.
I want to tell you that you hurt me.
I want to tell you that I used you to hurt myself.
I want to look at you and tell you I am sorry.
I want to tell you that I am trying and have you believe me.
I want to walk outside and hug a stranger and have them say
"Thank you, I needed that."
I want to make a difference, I want to use my voice.
I am so completely aware of these things.
I am so completely afraid. Vulnerability comes
with living a true and fulfilling life. And I am afraid
of that. I want to be a leader in the sense
that I don't continue to act as a vacuum, always *******
false words out of people, consuming them as if they were my last
meal on earth, as an attempt to heal the tiny wounds underneath my skin,
as an attempt to feel whole and wanted and useful and important,
as an attempt to pretend to have never been the people I have in fact been.  
I don't want that. I want life. I want to open my mouth and have
floods rushing into the ears of others screaming
"HERE I AM AND I AM AND YOU ARE TOO AND THAT ALONE IS ENOUGH."
I want to look up at the sky and know
that God himself created this masterpiece for all of us,
because he loves us. Because God has no grandchildren and
we are all precious and worthy and forgiven.
I want to say I love you and I want you to feel it.
I want to say that to myself and really feel it too.
I want to know myself.
I want to know you.