I just experienced my very first,
Hospital hallway wall, sliding down
To the typical Hollywood sad and confused,
Teary eyed, half sitting, half standing position, moment.

I started to cry.
But then I told myself I could not cry.
I had to be strong.
And so I did everything in my ability to not
Think about what was going on in that hospital room.

But my mind acted in defiance
And did the exact opposite of what I requested.
I tried to stop my thinking
But my desire just acted as fuel
For the burning fire in my head.

While attempting to empty myself of thoughts,
I became filled.
The questions started flowing.
Once the flowing began, I was consumed
With an endless and raging sea of questionified emotion.

A simple yet convoluted question came first.
Why? Why is this happening?
More complex questions followed.
How will I go on if she dies?
Will life consist of me forcefully
Placing one foot in front of the other
And hopelessly trying to find a reason to continue?
Has the God we’ve always strived to follow abandoned us?
Is there a God at all?

It was as if my mind stuck his thumb out
And went for a ride all across the world.
I thought about the most random things
Though I viewed them through a grey-scaled lens.

Why is the sky blue?
Instead of seeing the beauty of blue,
The sky is blue because of sadness.
The sky is blue because I am blue.
And the clouds cry a storm because they’re broken.
And when the waves crash
It’s because they were a little bit too tipsy that night
And now their children are mourning.
Who thinks about these kinds of things?
I am going crazy.

And once again I cry.
I bawl.
The tears roll down my cheeks.
First it was just one slow drip
That got caught in my eyelash.
But of course it continued
Until there was a river of tears rushing down my face.

***** being masculine.
I’m going to cry.
Because crying is the only thing
I can do in this situation.
Ha! Crying just makes me want to cry.

Why?