I have heard your Name

all of my life,

sometimes through open palms,

sometimes through clenched fists.

I listened

until my prayers sounded

more like fear than worship,

I listened

until when I bowed my head

it looked as if I was flinching,

is this what You wanted for Your children?

And so I grew,

my tongue becoming a sponge

wringing out praises

that washed my face

but never cleansed my sins

because they were only words

and I have since learned

that You hear me in a language

my tongue was never fit to speak.

I was a fool

who believed You were her Psalms

sung over yesterday’s blasphemy,

who believed You were his Sunday’s best

covering last weeks adultery,

a fool who believed a Rosary

was nothing more than an accessory.

And so I grew, and gradually we stopped speaking

I filled the the silence with anything I could reach for

I filled my bed with different men

and knelt before them

for too many years

convincing  myself they were searching for my soul

with their hands on my skin

but by morning those twisted sheets

only filled me with knots.

I filled my arms with junk

until my veins were swollen.

I followed my track marks

thinking they were leading me to heaven.

I was a hunter

whose hunger never stopped

until the day I shot myself down and

I sunk beneath my body.

I thought it was luck

that woke me up,

and I wondered where the hell You had been

where was my white light, my angel, my saving Grace?

And so I grew, seeing my angel came

through the body of a man

who pounded on my chest

and breathed his life into me

until my lungs opened like the gates of Heaven

and he said I let out a noise that sounded like a demon

but I started to have the feeling it was Mercy.

And so I grew, walking down a different Road

crying how there were too many cracks on this path

never realizing it was Your bones

that I felt breaking beneath me

and when my feet were dragging

that was just me fighting to walk on my own

when You refused to stop carrying me.

And so I grew, not knowing Your Name

but crying out for You

in language not fit for this world.