it feels like everything is so much more than what i can understand, because i'm limited to the confinement of human emotions and the experiences i have experienced, all which come together to create a lens that i view the world through, and i can't change that lense. it's like mixing together paint. once you pour something in, you can't unseparate it. it's in there forever. and if you don't like the way the color turned out, you can only add more paint, to try and change the way it looks, but you can never go back. and you have to be careful with what you put in it, because if you mix all the colors in the universe together you get brown. and that's inevitable, because you have some dark colors and some light colors, and not everything mixes together well. and there's pain and there's loss and there's sadness, but there's also joy. so that's why when you mix all the colors together, you don't get black. because of course you're not going to get complete darkness, you're going to have some pink in there, some light orange or swirling turquoise. and you can't see them, because they're all mixed together. so when you look at the color brown, you might at first see an ugly color, a color no one wants. like when you're five years old and someone asks you what your favorite color is, you say something bright and colorful. because those are the most appealing, those are the most captivating when you first look at them. but they're also just primary colors. they're the basis of everything, but they lack depth and they aren't mixed together with anything else. they lack experience. years later, when they ask you what your favorite color is, your answer has changed. you can add different hues to the mix, "sage", "pale", "royal", "deep", "earthy", etc. because sometimes there's beauty in the colors that don't pop out right away, the colors you have to look for to notice. and so later, maybe you'll look at the color brown and realize how warm it is. how rich it is. and you'll realize how many colors had to come together to create it, and even though you can't see all of them, you'll appreciate them. because they're still there.