I am standing alone…. outside by worn and withered paths;
To dark and treacherous undergrowth:
My thoughts soo deep, run to the bone,
In awe of wonder, dreams of hope:
My first AA meeting is next week;
The battle of trauma sits just above my head;
Generational wounds must I meet;
In fear, In pain, in silence, in dread:
To take the next step, after 20 long years;
An addict I am, and will always be;
How will I now replace the tears?
How will I allow myself to feel?
Without substance to dull the pathway to free?
What shall I do when the unease sets in?
Shall I meditate or go within?
What if I don’t like what I see?
What if I don’t like being me?
Perhaps that’s why I’ve abused substances all of these years;
To cover my anxiety and depression with beers;
Cocktails and wines, and drugs of all kinds;
Never filled the void; but numbed it at times;
Too much thinking but not enough care;
My body is a temple but has been treated unfair;
Too many of us, seeking the ease; never knowing that we are filled with disease.
I’ve today made a choice, to live day by day;
To live life in the present, not tomorrow or yesterday;
To use my voice for laughter and love;
To harness the energy of abundance and say…… I am an addict, while that is quite true; I will no longer let it rule me…. Not ever again.