i'm drinking my discounted liter of jack daniels: down from £35 to £20... oh... knowing me... i'll get through the liter... while listening to some modern german folk: faun... tanz mit mir (dance with me)...

i've had such high hopes for the man,
Karl Ove Knausgaard...
what? you expect me to write Kierkeg-
with an angstrom?! sure... a "lost" ah..
Kierkegård...

ha ha... volume 4... of his mein kampf...
oh i'll finish this volume
and finish the two remaining volumes...
he really grew into a man when
we started writing about the "seasons":

i too was young once... stupid...
drunk from time to time:
now i'm almost always drunk...
nothing helps writing sketches like
regular drinking:
which you can offset with sobering up
doing some cardiovascular exercise:
no point wasting time sitting in a sauna...
on y'er ******* bicycle, y'ah silly ****!
vowel-catchers... who?!
surd letters in the Ing-Leash zunge!
giggle ha ha but when it comes to
gnosis... it's 'nosis...
so ******* write it like you intend people
to spreschen it... sprechen...
oi... herr zeppelin! you too!
SHEN or HEN?
the Spaniards too! xa xa or ja ja?
or both?
      
i truly had high hopes for the man...
but then in volume 4 he recites...
a vagabond... he & his friends encountered
via their A-level ****... fest...
who once served in world war II...
under a Leif Andreas Larsen (1906 - 1990)...
Larsen of the Shetlands...

who smuggled refugees from Norway
hunted by the Germans
to the Shetlands...
spies & ammunition back to Norway...
a homeless man...
he started calling him a Shetland ****...
phallus... whatever... he was in "dire straits" needing
to ****... so he walked around him and ****** on him...

it was rummaging in my mind...
all throughout this glorious day...
a scenario... should i find myself homeless...
lying in Soho... minding my own business...
and some colt would approach me...
and start ******* on me...
i had this whole cinema in my mind...
i was later arguing in court...
the defence was...
he ****** on me...
i bit into his aorta at the neck
and started to slurp up his blood...
no joke...
all before reading this extract...
  i'll obviously finish the rest of the volumes...
i invested in four... i can stand two more...

this is all before reading what i'm trying to get through:
volume 4...
i too was young... stupid... drunk...
one Hogmanay we ran around clipping
rearview mirrors from cars...
we sported playing golf in the middle of the road...
hell... i threw stones at railway signs
at Seven King's station... i brought fireworks to school...
in primary school i brought in pictures
of the mythological blonde that was Pamela Anderson
(at the time): of course i was ratted out...
given the high compass morality argument:
what if it were my mother?!

what else did i do?
oh right... one time we went clubbing with some
history crew... i was studying chemistry
i stumbled upon Napoleon & them...
a ****-fest throughout...
we ended up walking home...
but i edited the walk home by climbing some
scaffold on Princes St... reaching the roof...
ended up screaming... ha... FREEDOM and throwing
bricks down onto the pavement...

if i'm writing this... freely... so one was hurt...
but ******* on a homeless man?
seriously...
i was walking with my grandfather once...
engrossed in conversation...
he spotted a raggedly dressed man
eating fruit on a bench
in full splendour of a grimmace
when a family walked past...
he must have been gobbling...
physalis... i would be eating physalis...
and my grandfather asked:
who is he?
i replied...
                to jest: fi-lo-zof...
he's a philosopher...
see... i grew up from the ages 4 through to 8
being raised by a father figure that was
my grandfather... my father was away
"conquering" the west...
my grandfather taught me the intrinsic values
of: if you're going to pet an animal...
just make sure you're kind to it...
don't be obnoxious...
and... all homeless men have
the potential of being...
pseudo-Diogenes'...
              
it invokes to little to be kind...
it doesn't require... ******* on someone...
in youth i was a full-on arsonist!
it's painful to read...
esp. when it's written with hindsight...
from the cinema of memory
and not something that's ongoing...
cause me to process "libel":
i've seen psychiatrists... priests? no no...
prostitutes...
i paid for ***... i didn't pay for lies...
niceties...

i miss him for the reasons that we could
correlate.. my favorite quote of his was...
no woman is "ugly"... there are only
neglected women... abandoned women...
and as i cycle past the populace...
i remember two quotes from England circa 1997...
the beast from the east...
(it wasn't about jet lag)
look busy... Jesus is coming...
along with... the most prominent...
marry an ugly woman...
you'll spare two heads' worth of concerns...
not verbatim: the last "scenario"...
but it's true! all the beauties are reluctant to
marry... settle down...
whatever the hell that implies these days:
paying rent for the enrichment of
some Pakistani rent / slave holder?
settle your arguments with your parents...
i live in a vicinity where... "independence" could
be scrutinised... one Nigerian family shares
a household within a two generational timeframe...
another is Sikh... also...
i'm not paying **** to hope i might get
one night stands with hopeless western women!
i'm dying: self-intact... alone...
i hope the cats nibble at me..
what do you think this culture has spawned?
******* geniuses?!
collateral damage and: shrapnel ammo readied
for a ******* shotgun... hey presto!
i'm beyond mad... angry young man...
i'm not young... i've revolved around being angry
for a while... i better age with melancholy...
who's to keep me company?
michel de montaigne...
i suppose my sense of humour is... "wong"...
rong being... the Chinese ideogram doesn't allow
the trill of the R? don't wowwy... neither does
the current Ing-Leash... they seem to have
gotten a tawantula bite on the twill of the "R": too!
it also died in Fwench...
don't mind me... the Wussians are your best,
"next" enemy... i'm siding with the Wussians...
because i can... i have choice...

but it's almost fun being sad-angry...
you find out that you can cite:
cryptic jokes...
i hope i'm doing just that...
if i'm not... what does it matter:
i've written in the moment of the otherwise
forever moment of fatality...
you can't somehow debate fatalism away
like you might with nihilism...
or nuance it...
life is life... death is death...

there's still that... bewilderment i have...
when comparing the Latin of Cicero & Horace
with the "Latin"... Italian of... Giuseppe Belli...
how did... Latin... become... Italian?!
i guess... the cuneiform wasn't submerged...
asked to become non-existent...
among the Muslims... side with the Sh'ites...
the Persians... please please please...
please please please:
a schism so early... so early showing
the corrupt nature of the prophet...
              p.b.u.h: with the exception of Ali's
confessions... no?

eh... but people will be people and follow their
own ways... i don't want to change them...
to me a raggedly dressed man sitting on a bench
eating some physalis... full of grimace
looking at a happy family walking past
was a philosopher... to some other he was
merely a waste of space... blah blah...

give me the king of kings... naked...
that's better...
than the most indefinite of creatures:
mast cast into a role of man's own hierarchies...
elevated by such ambitions that
make him look both rich & both cheap...
give me the negated man...
but nothing of the sort
associated with bureaucratic self-importance
that tramples even the electrician or plumber
as some substitute role of... purpose...
but the world is filled with this...
over-stepping the capacity of people
to replicate...
  of the people who most espouse Darwinism...
they leave so little to the imagination...
the strong perish... the meek inherit...
it's about time i left this world too;
this world is deserving of its fate... this world has to
become... completely... obliterating-ly...
mediocre... it has to!
i don't want to be part of it!
i will not be part of it!
this world deserves what is expected of it:
being deserving of!

the same people that espouse Darwinism
are the last people to adopt it....
nature is... cruel! it abandons the weak!
yet here you are... espousing... ****'s sake..
celebrating it! coercing it!
it sure as **** didn't happen under
the Copernican upheaval...
oh wait... only Wittgenstein ackowledged
it was Copernicus rather than Galileo
who conjured up the "distinction"...

the West... i'm adamant for the Russians
being these... evil genius hackers...
me & the boys are going to have
a massive ****... when this "****" is over...
when she... the western woman:
is properly ****** over...
of course i'll be siding with the Russians...
what's left in the west?!
****-smears and um?
penguins learning to fly!?!
for, ****'s... sake!

i'm doing a  runner... i'm out of 'ere...
thanks for the bourbon...
not thanks to the "idea"...
i'm out... in mind... is not in body (at least):
i... am... *******... done...
there's nothing here: "here"...

Poland  isn't far enough to....  "escape"...
Poland never was...
  i live in England... at best,. then?
dig deeper into oneself...
make "things": a little  bit more curious...
i'm dreaming of
the Kamchatka Peninsula...
like i'm thinking of Nippon...

              i write this with an honest heart....
a heart composed to be:
the size of a pebble...
         i write this... because...
i await my death with... glee.