I was only privy to his kindness while he believed I could fit into the mold.
Once I revealed I couldn’t fit, his kindness left with that dream.
It evaporated in front of me and I watched him shift completely.

Grace that he claimed was there for me at any time.
Grace that I’m too terrified to take for myself.
Grace that would make being me a little easier.
Where is it, what is it, how do I just exist in it?

God, you don’t make any sense
Because it doesn’t make any sense
Because my inner self doesn’t make sense
But grace is so absent in my life
That I’m absolutely ravenous for any sign of someone being kind to me.

Any fleeting moment where it feels okay

Any small taste of being allowed to exist

All I want when I feel like this
Is for him to look at me like that again
So I can fall asleep on his chest
At ease that it’s not all my fault