You asked me why I don’t like bringing people around
why I spend every day alone in my room
when I have plenty of people who would love my company
and my thoughts were so tangled around the real answer that
all I could tell you was that something in me changed a few months ago

I couldn’t get it out of me
you cannot know that I have succumbed to my need for control
and now it is what controls me

I don’t make my own decisions,
everything is pre-planned and mechanical

while I let my hands crawl their way
down my throat and empty out my stomach
I tell myself this is it,

this is really what it means
to be in control

I let myself believe that fighting my demons
means giving up every ounce of control that I have gained
in the past two years
by giving up myself

I don’t want them,
I don’t want you,
to get close to me because if you’re close enough
you can see the cracks in my skin

but no one can see how easily
I fracture if I keep my distance

I don’t want to be broken,
but more than that I don’t want you to realize that I am.

- S.G.