What do I do?
I finally found the One I never thought I'd find
I thought I was too ________
I thought I'd be alone and always crave what I would never be able to find
and then he walked in
and for the first time I felt like I was home
I didn't want to be anywhere else

so why in the **** did I just **** it up.
Not **** it up - well, yes - but it was healthy, I need to do what I said for myself, because I deserve it, but why can't I have both? why can't everything work out in my timing and according to my plan and then I'll be happy?

It hurts so bad.
my heart is breaking like I never thought it would or could
it hurts
it hurts
I'm praying
through every single spiral my brain is spinning down
what if? please, Papa, let that not happen and if it does (more tears) please help me through it.
what if? please, Papa, let that not happen and if it does (more tears) please help me through it.
what if? please, Papa, let that not happen and if it does (more tears) please help me through it.
what if? please, Papa, let that not happen and if it does (more tears) please help me through it.
what if? please, Papa, let that not happen and if it does (more tears) please help me through it.
what if? please, Papa, let that not happen and if it does (more tears) please help me through it.
what if? please, Papa, let that not happen and if it does (more tears) please help me through it.

My brain wants to detach.. my emotions are overwhelmed and in the past I've had to detach, but I want to feel this, every excruciating second, I don't want to leave my body, I can't handle that, I can't, please, Papa, keep me here, settle your Peace over me, I miss him and all I want is to be there with him having this in person. I don't understand, but I trust you and your plan to give me even more and better than I want and expect and think is possible, but it hurts so bad, I just want to hug him and hold him and love him and I can't because he can't and that scares me, and I don't know what to do.