that music brought me back
to when i was sixteen and still in love with him
the year the words “let it die” should have been tattooed
in black letters across my entire face,
and the remaining years after that
up until he left for good.
that setting brought me back
to that one summer when i was
trying very hard to limit my recklessness
to a small cough or a sedative,
until it seeped out
and the stains on my hands gave me away.
i wanted to look over and sing the lyrics
with you but you were lost in your head,
you were somewhere else.
i wanted my friend to put her arm around me
and say “i am so glad we are here together” but
my friend is somewhere else, as everyone seems to be
lately. i don’t know why
loneliness swallows us so wholeheartedly
when we are among a crowd of people,
inhaling their silence and laughter and meaningless
chatter. i wanted to float up into the magenta sky,
i wanted to feel my wings carry me up and over
the city skyline,
i wanted to disappear into the abyss
of music itself.