Aug 2013
Instead of reading I smoked.
Instead of painting I smoked.
Instead of playing the piano I smoked.
Instead of crying or yelling I smoked.
Rather than tell my friends the real reasons why I smoked I lit the cigarette,
and the next,
hoping by putting toxins into my body I could forget about the ones already eating at me from the inside out.
At least I could sit alone and let the guilt of smoking distract me from the guilt of not being
"a part of this family",
or help me forget the man who served a purpose but served no love.
No compassion, no understanding.
Only a shadowy figure with a quite disposition and a word that fell like an iron fist on my throat.
I imagine the smoke being liquified.
Descending like melted steel down my throat manifesting into the parts of my body that were cut the deepest.
The black intertwined with the metallic lava and swirled inside me filling every void it could. Eventually it would catch up to me.
The thick solution would find its way to my throat and could only be swallowed with bravery and the courage to not let
*******
like
him
ruin a life not given to them to ruin, but to encourage.
If someone like him wanted to ruin his life, then go the **** ahead. But don't you dare destroy a life not meant for you to destroy.
You were supposed to be a father not a disappearing ghost who only spoke when determining someone else's fate.
Who knew a
transparent hand could hold
so
much
power.
And yet, you see your harmful grip losing its strength over me and you try to grasp harder.
But a coward who hides behind an armor of steel cannot bruise someone who built their protection to mimic THEIRS.
Your ghostly smoke, similar to the smoke that drifts from my cigarette now, cannot blur my eyes to see that you ****** me into thinking that this was
NORMAL.
I hope you know ******* well that I'm stronger than the timid girl you made me into.
So *******.
******* and your insincere, misunderstanding miscommunication, and **** the way you treat me.
I know for a fact you don't treat anyone else like this and I hope one day I can understand why the ******* would treat your own daughter the ****** UP way you do.
But then again I don't.
Because what reason in hell would I want to understand a monster like you.
Instead of painting I smoked.
Instead of playing the piano I smoked.
Instead of crying or yelling I smoked.
Rather than tell my friends the real reasons why I smoked I lit the cigarette,
and the next,
hoping by putting toxins into my body I could forget about the ones already eating at me from the inside out.
At least I could sit alone and let the guilt of smoking distract me from the guilt of not being
"a part of this family",
or help me forget the man who served a purpose but served no love.
No compassion, no understanding.
Only a shadowy figure with a quite disposition and a word that fell like an iron fist on my throat.
I imagine the smoke being liquified.
Descending like melted steel down my throat manifesting into the parts of my body that were cut the deepest.
The black intertwined with the metallic lava and swirled inside me filling every void it could. Eventually it would catch up to me.
The thick solution would find its way to my throat and could only be swallowed with bravery and the courage to not let
*******
like
him
ruin a life not given to them to ruin, but to encourage.
If someone like him wanted to ruin his life, then go the **** ahead. But don't you dare destroy a life not meant for you to destroy.
You were supposed to be a father not a disappearing ghost who only spoke when determining someone else's fate.
Who knew a
transparent hand could hold
so
much
power.
And yet, you see your harmful grip losing its strength over me and you try to grasp harder.
But a coward who hides behind an armor of steel cannot bruise someone who built their protection to mimic THEIRS.
Your ghostly smoke, similar to the smoke that drifts from my cigarette now, cannot blur my eyes to see that you ****** me into thinking that this was
NORMAL.
I hope you know ******* well that I'm stronger than the timid girl you made me into.
So *******.
******* and your insincere, misunderstanding miscommunication, and **** the way you treat me.
I know for a fact you don't treat anyone else like this and I hope one day I can understand why the ******* would treat your own daughter the ****** UP way you do.
But then again I don't.
Because what reason in hell would I want to understand a monster like you.
