I am so cautious
and reckless at the same time.

I give little
pieces of myself to strangers
every day
swift glances
quick pauses
in which the other
person becomes
quickly informed of my
inadequacies.

I stutter. I have
so many words running
fast to the front of
my mind that
i can never quite
think of which
i want to vocalize
first.

i bite my lip to
stop the jumble
from overflowing.

i am afraid that i'm
a tower.
so tall and mighty
with power
until one brick
crumbles
and i become nothing
but debris.

so put together
yet falling apart
i am ever so tumultuous
with my aquarius
and emotional
with cancer
forever organizing the two
with my capricorn.
i am within my signs
and my signs are within me.

so i dive as far as i can go in my ocean
and i sit on this bed
and think of all the things i
left unsaid
and feel those words
pounding their way in my head
trying to burst through the dam.

there is a fist in my head
punching out my tears
and it is ruthless--
i am being abused from
the inside out.
i've lost count of the bruises
on the insides of my skin.
i can't quite make out the scars
from within.

but i've got russian skin
and it hides everything so
well
i am quite difficult to read
i've been told
and i find it impossible
to express these bruises
and scars

- i feel stuck -
unable to express
and unable to be understood.
in a glass box
pushing at the walls
begging the surrounding
strangers to understand
pleading with myself to
learn the skills of communication
quick before the crowd
disappears.

i am a patchwork of
nerves and anxiety.
i've got beauty sewn through
my veins
and a wall
sewn thickly around my heart.