You've been here before,
It's been a long time, hasn't it?
Who can you go to?
What can you do?
Think.
There is always a way.
Emotions like a puzzle
Like a riddle.
Always solvable
If you clear your head and your heart
And try.
Get something in your hands and mold it,
Touch it,
Make something of it.
A puzzle, a riddle,
Find something to solve.
Find something to make it simpler.
Pieces all fit together
None are missing
Like in your head.
Find something outside of it
With all the parts
And put it together
To slow down the whir.
Long time since your hands have shook.
On bad days you self medicate, huh?
With the drowsy high of your favorite person.
Not today, not today.
Oh, Sunshine, I understand you.
I'm sorry I was your medication.
I'm sorry I made you withdraw.
But I know that now since you don't need me,
You are better for it.
I wish I had something like you do.
Animals to care for,
Problems to solve,
Something, anything, to drive the madness from my head with order.
Order solves things.
I should solve things.
What did I used to do on days like this?
Silly fool, they were all like this.
This was a good day, remember?
But not now, now it is tension and shaking hands,
And you can't afford this.
Think, think,
What did you do?
A show, a story, but they don't always hold
Like sails that go limp without a wind.
Go outside, do something dangerous and hard
That soaks up all your focus so you can't think
Or you'll slip and fall.
Climb something, run somewhere,
Do something
Quick!
God, I hate my mind.
It's my mind that does this to me,
Not my heart.
My heart only loves.
My mind...
Interprets.
It damns me.
It likes to play games and make mazes.
Writing only helps a bit.
Safety net gone
And I'm already tottering
Like a child pushed out on the tightrope
Wondering what it will feel like to hit the ground.
The wondering is often worse than the fall.
I won't fall.
I did it before.
How did I do it before?
Gotten soft, haven't you?
Let yourself depend.
There always needs to be a backup plan,
An out,
For these days.
Did you forget they will always come?
People do not always help you.
Even the great ones.
Go out, find a puzzle, find something to solve.
Something with all the parts already there,
None you have to sort of pretend about
Leave a little space for
And hope the wind won't whistle through the holes
To make you aware of them.
Something whole that needs to be understood and figured out.
Something solid like a rock or a puzzle piece.
Something solid to hold onto and feel.
I want to apologize.
Stop!
Don't.
She said you didn't have to be sorry.
That was then.
It's always then
The second it's said.
Stop!
Don't.
This is who you are,
You can't make it stop.
Remember? You try all the time.
I need a better method, something solid and nonliving,
Something that can't get bored or busy or annoyed.
Something with all the pieces
Pieces
So I can put them together.
And they all fit without any gaps.
The gaps always sing in my heart
They like to be heard
Discordant like baleful windchimes.
They sing because the breeze catches their emptiness
And plays them like flutes.
I want to run from that sound.
But it's inside.
I fill the holes with conversations
And passions and work.
But there are days that they'll have none of it.
Brutal days,
When their melody is all there is.
I can't ask for help, fixing myself.
I have to find something out here
To fix
To find
To focus on
To put together.
Something with all the little
Pieces
There.