Aug 2013
I never say what I mean
When I beg you to talk to me:
I don't beg.
I just say hello.
I find things to say,
Silly things.
Anything.
See,
I never say
"Please, please speak to me.
You are the only thing that makes days like this any better.
I feel a knot in my stomach and my heart won't slow down.
Please say any old stupid thing
And make me feel at home."
I don't mention it, I don't ask,
"Please, just a word, just one.
Any word that isn't one of hate.
Anything, any tiny little phrase.
Even that you're busy or that your day's been boring.
Please, just a thought in my direction.
I need proof that you are here.
I don't know why.
I never know why.
But the longer I go without
The more I've lost you in my head.
And me as well."
I try not to explain,
"I think there's something in here with me
Something not-quite-right
That pulls the strings and makes me crazy
When I don't hear your voice for a while.
I'm really scared that I could be like the people in the movies
Who rock on their knees and hum
Whose eyes are hollowed out.
You keep me from that person crouched inside me
Waiting to spring forth and unravel my sanity."
I never tell you these things.
I assume you know.
It embarrasses me to ask for help with my own head.
It shames me that you are so essential.
I spare you knowing it, mostly.
And I just say hello.
But know this:
Whenever I say it,
Whenever I say anything out of the blue,
Any random little conversation I start that seems but meaningless...
Know that underneath my words there's this.
Know that it's likely I've tried already, to leave you alone and not bother you
Until you want to talk to me.
Know that behind every hello,
There is a plea
"Save me."
I don't know from what.
I don't know why it's you.
I don't know what makes me shake and frown and my heart
Speeduplikearunawaytrain.
I only know that you fix it.
And that I am not strong enough not to ask you to, if all it costs you
Is just a smile and
**"Hello."
When I beg you to talk to me:
I don't beg.
I just say hello.
I find things to say,
Silly things.
Anything.
See,
I never say
"Please, please speak to me.
You are the only thing that makes days like this any better.
I feel a knot in my stomach and my heart won't slow down.
Please say any old stupid thing
And make me feel at home."
I don't mention it, I don't ask,
"Please, just a word, just one.
Any word that isn't one of hate.
Anything, any tiny little phrase.
Even that you're busy or that your day's been boring.
Please, just a thought in my direction.
I need proof that you are here.
I don't know why.
I never know why.
But the longer I go without
The more I've lost you in my head.
And me as well."
I try not to explain,
"I think there's something in here with me
Something not-quite-right
That pulls the strings and makes me crazy
When I don't hear your voice for a while.
I'm really scared that I could be like the people in the movies
Who rock on their knees and hum
Whose eyes are hollowed out.
You keep me from that person crouched inside me
Waiting to spring forth and unravel my sanity."
I never tell you these things.
I assume you know.
It embarrasses me to ask for help with my own head.
It shames me that you are so essential.
I spare you knowing it, mostly.
And I just say hello.
But know this:
Whenever I say it,
Whenever I say anything out of the blue,
Any random little conversation I start that seems but meaningless...
Know that underneath my words there's this.
Know that it's likely I've tried already, to leave you alone and not bother you
Until you want to talk to me.
Know that behind every hello,
There is a plea
"Save me."
I don't know from what.
I don't know why it's you.
I don't know what makes me shake and frown and my heart
Speeduplikearunawaytrain.
I only know that you fix it.
And that I am not strong enough not to ask you to, if all it costs you
Is just a smile and
**"Hello."
