i just can’t quite understand myself. i believe i have the potential and the capacity to succeed however it feels as though the system has been tailored to set me up for failure. i simply do not dream of success within the education system anymore. it feels futile and my odds are stacked against my control.
i have little motivation to live on enduring an unhappy life as such. i seldom seek validation from my teachers as i so keenly used to feed out of their palms. i feel my soul shrinking into nothing but a pebble in one’s shoe. a minor inconvenience. barely audible. barely present.
my mind goes on walks outside when i’m bed bound. i cannot lift the anchor which is my head no matter how loud the captain in my head shouts at their sailors.
i crave escape. i am so privileged. so loved. so needed, i’m aware. yet the black clouds in my head filter the sunshine but not the UV rays. melanoma without the tropical memories to reflect upon.
maybe it’s the medication. maybe it’s the alcohol. maybe it’s the nicotine. maybe it’s the drugs. but i constantly attempt to fill the void in my life which is where happiness should be, but it seems as though something is already there. it is not happiness. nor is it sadness. it is purely the absence of emotion which expands like a sponge, larger than life, bigger than what i am able to feel.
nothing.