May 2021
Content Warning: ****** Assault
I played piano for the first time in ten years;
the keys were gentle and smooth on my skin in a way that your hands never were.
I expected to feel the sting, I expected to feel the sharpness, I expected it to burn the same way that you burned me that day.
I don’t know what took me so long to sit back down and try to play but I can only imagine it’s because I thought every time I played I would think of you.
I would think of what I wore that day, what I smelled on your clothes, what I remember talking about, the song you were playing for me while I sipped on a drink that you made just for me with your own little twist.
I would think of all the details of that day until there were no memories to remember, just faint flashbacks of images and sensations.
I can’t remember the event, but my body does and I feel it everyday.
I feel the way that you devoured me and burned me and how I have felt as though I am nothing but ashes ever since then.
Yesterday I sat down and played the piano for the first time in ten years;
I played the song I had on repeat over and over for months and months after that day.
I played the song that kept me breathing at every moment when I wished that I would stop and the song that continually reminded me that I was still alive and still fighting.
I played it and I sang it as loudly as I could as though there was some way you would hear it.
I played it in a way to let myself know that you no longer have power over me, that you can no longer take something from me.
You no longer have the right to come in and steal from me.
You no longer have a part of my body.
You no longer have touched my skin.
When I see you at the grocery store I will no longer drop my items and ask somebody to walk me to my car.
When I see you on the road I will no longer take the first turn just to escape you.
I will not compulsively check my rear view mirror to make sure that you aren’t following me home.
Instead when I see you, I will look into your eyes.
I will no longer live in fear of you.
I have my own power now, and in that power, I forgive you.
I played piano for the first time in ten years;
the keys were gentle and smooth on my skin in a way that your hands never were.
I expected to feel the sting, I expected to feel the sharpness, I expected it to burn the same way that you burned me that day.
I don’t know what took me so long to sit back down and try to play but I can only imagine it’s because I thought every time I played I would think of you.
I would think of what I wore that day, what I smelled on your clothes, what I remember talking about, the song you were playing for me while I sipped on a drink that you made just for me with your own little twist.
I would think of all the details of that day until there were no memories to remember, just faint flashbacks of images and sensations.
I can’t remember the event, but my body does and I feel it everyday.
I feel the way that you devoured me and burned me and how I have felt as though I am nothing but ashes ever since then.
Yesterday I sat down and played the piano for the first time in ten years;
I played the song I had on repeat over and over for months and months after that day.
I played the song that kept me breathing at every moment when I wished that I would stop and the song that continually reminded me that I was still alive and still fighting.
I played it and I sang it as loudly as I could as though there was some way you would hear it.
I played it in a way to let myself know that you no longer have power over me, that you can no longer take something from me.
You no longer have the right to come in and steal from me.
You no longer have a part of my body.
You no longer have touched my skin.
When I see you at the grocery store I will no longer drop my items and ask somebody to walk me to my car.
When I see you on the road I will no longer take the first turn just to escape you.
I will not compulsively check my rear view mirror to make sure that you aren’t following me home.
Instead when I see you, I will look into your eyes.
I will no longer live in fear of you.
I have my own power now, and in that power, I forgive you.
